The Legend of Badass Zelda

The Legend of Badass Zelda: Prologue

Authors Notes:

-This takes place in the Ocarina of Time world, however the story will not follow that game’s story necessarily. I’m just using that particular world build since it’s easy to imagine and probably is the most familiar of the Zelda maps to people.

-This is mostly for parody purposes, with some action involved. If you don’t want to read a fic with Zelda being completely out of character, I suggest you not read this. This fanfic is a completely different take on the character and the world itself really.

-As always in my fanfics, italics indicate thoughts except when it’s just one word in the middle of a sentence, and that signifies slight emphasis on a word.


It is a bright and sunny day in Hyrule today. There is a nice breeze that sways the grass of Hyrule fields. In the middle, we see two figures. The one we recognize as our Hero of Time, Link. The other is Ganondorf. They are staring each other down, waiting for the other to strike. Link has his Master Sword drawn with his Hylian Shield at the ready.

Ganon: You will regret the day you invoked my wrath.
Link: Hyaa!
Ganon: Oh, right. I forgot. He doesn’t talk. *Facepalm*

Ganon gets impatient and runs to Link. He encases his hand in dark energy and punches forth. Link promptly blocks it with his shield, but he is pushed back a little bit. Link stabs forward from behind his shield, but Ganon jumps back a little to avoid it. Link then throws his shield at him (Think Captain America) and hits him in the gut. As Ganon hunches over, he takes out his longshot and shoots it straight for him. The chain wraps around his neck. Ganon struggles to get free, but Link pulls him straight towards himself. He then spins with his sword and cuts him in the torso very deep. Link then equips the Iron Boots (somehow) and stomps on his foot.

Ganon: AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Ganon is hunched over in massive pain right now. While he is, Link pulls out the Megaton Hammer (Where does he keep all this shit?) and bashes him right over the head. This sends Ganondorf straight to the ground. Link has a sneer on his face, knowing he just kicked Ganon’s ass for the 18th time in the last couple months. Seriously, he keeps count.

Ganon: Don’t think it’s over…

Just then, the seven Sages (Zelda, the eighth, is not present) all appear and surround Link. They all have darkened eyes. Link can already tell that something is up so he readies himself, but it is too late. They all shoot a beam of their particular element at him and he is encased in a beam of energy. Eventually, they stop and he is shown to be charred up and then falls to the ground. Ganondorf gets up in due time, with his face even more messed up than usual.

Ganon: Good work, my minions. Now that I have the Master Sword, no one can stop me. No one!

Switch over the Hyrule Castle. Princess Zelda is seen sitting on a throne in the middle of the throne room. A guard opens the door frantically and scurries over to the princess and kneels before her.

Zelda: What is it? And why have you come to me so frantically?
Guard: It’s terrible! Link…he…

The guard informs Zelda about the situation. Apparently he had seen the whole thing, but didn’t do a damn thing to help.

Zelda: I see. That is quite disturbing. Our hero is gone. And what’s more, the sages have betrayed me. I suspect something.
Guards: What will we do now?
Voice: We will come up with something.

The king of Hyrule enters the room (basically imagine CDI king but in Ocarina of Time style artwork).

Zelda: Father…
King: For right now, we must get you to safety, Zelda. I suspect Ganon will come after you next.
Zelda: Oh no, I mustn’t…
Guard: We will protect you with our lives, Princess!
Zelda: Thank you, but…
King: We have no time to waste. Let’s go, Zelda.
Zelda: (Voice intensifies a little) Okay, fuck this shit!
King: !!!
Zelda: I’m not some snot-nosed princess that always needs to get saved. Well…there were those few select times, but it’s different now. That was bullshit. Nintendo isn’t in charge anymore.
King: Zelda!!!
Zelda: Leave me alone, alright?!

Zelda teleports away via Farores Wind.

Guard: I had no idea she was like this.
King: She’s a rebellious one, I’ll give her that.

Minutes later, we see Zelda in quite different garb. She is wearing black skin-tight jeans and a black T-Shirt with one of Metallica’s album covers on the front. She is wearing spiked wristbands. She is inside her room, which has posters all over the walls of different famous rock and metal groups. Pretty much everything else except her bed is “punked out”. She keeps the princessy bed because it’s comfortable. She is currently lying on her bed, with her iPod nano on and headphones in her ears (Where the fuck did she get such technology?!). She is currently listening to Stricken by Disturbed.

Zelda: That does it, I’m going.

Just then, the door is knocked on.

Zelda: Aww fuck. What do you want, dad?
King: Open the door!
Zelda: *Sigh* Fine. Just one second.

She turns off her iPod and then presses a button on the wall. The walls turn and everything changes into a more pink, vibrant, princess type of room. She encases herself with magic and then changes back into her dress. She throws the iPod behind the bed.

King: Zelda?!
Zelda: I’m coming. Don’t shit your pants, old man!

Zelda opens the door and lets her father in.

King: Look, I know it’s hard for you, having lost Link.
Zelda: Yeah, it is hard. He might not have been able to speak, but his sword came in quite handy when I got bored.
King: Oh, you mean he did some cool sword tricks for you privately?
Zelda: Yeah, let’s go with that.
King: I’m sorry. I don’t think there’s anyone who can defeat Ganon now though.
Zelda: There is. The eighth Sage.
King: No! I forbid you to go!
Zelda: I’m going, whether or not you like it. I’m the only chance Hyrule has got. Well, unless I go contact Samus, but she’s always busy in her own world. Bondage style is very popular in space, I hear.
King: …Alright. But you’re taking some of our men with you.
Zelda: Yeah yeah. Anyway, it’s suit up time!

A dramatic sequence takes place where she puts on a leather combat suit with the help of a servant. She puts on sunglasses at the end for effect.

Servant: Wait a minute, I thought you could change clothes with magic. Why didn’t you just do that?
Zelda: …C’mere a second.

The servant walks up to Zelda and she kicks him in the shin and then puts him in a headlock.

Zelda: Never question aesthetic suit ups. Never.

Zelda then lets him go.

Zelda: Well, this is a bit tight though. I have a better idea.

She encases herself in magic again, and this time she has her Shiek guise on.

Zelda: Now this is more like it.

Just then, she hears a ding.

Zelda: Oh!

She goes over to a computer and sees that Princess Peach has sent her a message on NIM (Nintendo Instant Messenger).

ZomgItsPeach: hey bby gurl wass up
DefinitelyNotZelda: Yo, Peach. You still typing like a 10 year old?
ZomgItsPeach: not kool…smh
DefinitelyNotZelda: I’m just messing with you. What’s up?
ZomgItsPeach: i asked u first
DefinitelyNotZelda: Lol Link got captured. I gotta go save his lazy ass.
ZomgItsPeach: lol
ZomgItsPeach: men are the worst
ZomgItsPeach: i told mario his fatass need to lose weight before i mary hm
DefinitelyNotZelda: …Right. Well, I’m gonna go save him now. Tell Samus I can’t make the photo shoot tomorrow.
ZomgItsPeach: 4 shame. c u l8er

It is now night time. She’s still in her Shiek form. She gets outside the castle when a guard spots her.

Guard: Hey, weren’t you supposed to go with a small team?
Zelda: Sorry, but I can’t. They’ll just slow me down. Don’t say anything to my father.
Guard: Will you answer one question for me if I don’t?
Zelda: Yeah, sure. What is it?
Guard: When you’re in that form, are you a boy or a girl?
Zelda: Would you like to find out?

She grabs the guard’s head and leans closer to him. We can see a blush through his helmet. Suddenly, her eyes flare and then we see the guard fall unconscious. Zelda lets him fall to the ground.

Zelda: My time in Super Smash Bros. wasn’t wasted. Thanks, Mewtwo. Oh, and by the way, jackass. I don’t magically change gender when I disguise myself. See ya.


With that, our princess has set off on a journey to save Link. What surprises and twists will she have to face in order to get him back? Be prepared for an exciting adventure on The Legend of Badass Zelda!

The Legend of Badass Zelda: The Great Deku Tree


Zelda is now taking a nice stroll through the gorgeous Hyrule Fields at night, when HOLY @#$% a freaking zombie attacks her!

Zelda: Oh, right. I’d better play the Sun Song.

Zelda reaches into her pocket.

Zelda: Aww shit! I left the Ocarina of Time with Link, and my harp broke when I was trying to play Through the Fire and Flames on it. No choice…

As a zombie approaches her, she quickly dashes with blinding speed and ends up behind the zombie. A second later, the head falls off and rolls on the ground.

Zelda: Oh yeah, this bitch has still got it.

But…the zombie promptly picks up its head and attaches it back on.

Zelda: Crap. Well, if it’s only one…

But unfortunately for Zelda, it’s not only one. A ton of zombies pop up out of the ground and surround her.

Zelda: Me and my luck. Hey, guys. Twilight Town is in Paper Mario’s world. Why don’t you…I’m talking to zombies. Time to go.

She throws down a flash bang, but it was a defected one so it didn’t explode.

Zelda: FUUUUUUUUUUCK

She promptly uses Farore’s Wind and teleports just outside of the ring of zombies. She then proceeds to get the hell out of there. While she is running away, she has a great idea.

Zelda: I know. I’ll visit the Great Deku Tree. He’ll know what to do.

By morning, she has reached Kokiri Village. She sleeps for a few hours in Link’s old house and then when she wakes up, heads towards the Great Deku Tree. Only one problem. She is stopped by Mido.

Mido: None shall pass.
Zelda: The nerve on you. You have no idea who I am, do you? I forgot, I’m still in my Shiek disguise.
Mido: YOUUUUU SHALL…

He gets cut off quickly when Zelda throws a few Senbon into his neck.

Zelda: Don’t you dare finish that sentence.

Mido promptly dies.

Zelda: I guess I didn’t have to kill the poor sod. But he was annoying anyway. Oh well, no worries.

She passes through the passage, but comes across a Deku Baba. It goes to bite her, but she easily dodges and then whips at it with her chain to kill it. Its stem turns into a deku stick for some odd reason.

Zelda: Cool. Might as well.

She takes the stick and sticks it on her back like a sword. She then makes it to the Deku Tree.

Zelda: Yo, Deku Tree. Been a while.

She changes back into her normal look (the dress).

Deku Tree: Ah, Zelda. I predicted that you would come.
Zelda: Listen, Link got himself captured and I need your help. How much have you seen?
Deku Tree: Enough. Ganondorf has hidden himself in a hidden realm that can only be found with the help of all the Eight Sages.
Zelda: The other seven betrayed me, unfortunately. But I suspect they were being controlled.
Deku Tree: That very well may be true. They are all holed up in their respective temples.
Zelda: I see. Does Ganon have the Ocarina of Time?
Deku Tree: He does not.
Zelda: Then do you know where it is?
Deku Tree: It is behind the door of time.
Zelda: What the hell?! How did it get there?
Deku Tree: Link dropped it the other day and didn’t notice.
Zelda: Shit! How do you know all of this, anyway?
Deku Tree: …Magic.
Zelda: Works for me. So I need to get those damned stones back. Do you have the forest one?
Deku Tree: Yes, but I have fallen under a curse and cannot give it to you until you cure it. Can you do it?
Zelda: Sure, why not.

The tree opens its mouth.

Deku Tree: Then you must enter and face the monster within.
Zelda: So let me get this straight. You want me inside of you to get some bad stuff out? You know, I usually charge a flat rate of 4,000 rupees per night for this kind of thing. Not to mention I have to do a background check on your medical history.
Deku Tree: Okay, wise ass.
Zelda: I wasn’t given the Triforce of Wisdom for nothing, bitch.
Deku Tree: I will have someone very special assist you in there.
Zelda: Oh no…don’t tell me it’s…
Navi: HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN!
Zelda: Kill me now. What is it, Navi?
Navi: We have to go to the Great Deku Tree!
Zelda: We’re already here, dumb shit. Let’s just go.

Zelda goes inside and Navi follows. She is immediately greeted by a Deku Baba, to which she sets on fire with Din’s Fire. It turns into a Deku Seed. She picks it up. She then notices the webbing that blocks a hole to go deeper into the tree.

Zelda: What’s with this white stuff?
Navi: You have to divebomb from up high to get through it and go down there.
Zelda: Or…I can set it on fire like that plant thing. Hmmm….

Next thing we see is Zelda up at the highest point ready to jump off. She has her Shiek outfit back on, but without the mask and her hair is in a pony tail.

Navi: Hey! Listen!

Zelda turns around and gives Navi the middle finger and then falls backwards, off the cliff. She yells “Yahoo!” as she plunges into the web. Sure enough, she breaks right through and lands in the water below.

Zelda: I’m all wet. If you know what I mean. Eh, Navi?
Navi: That’s gross!

She climbs up a nearby cliff and sees a door with metal bars in front.

Zelda: This seems to be locked with no key hole. If you know…
Navi: You have to get that torch and light that other torch.
Zelda: You’re a real buzzkill, you know. How do you know all this crap anyway?
Navi: I went through this with Link, remember?
Zelda: Right.

She takes the deku stick on her back and lights it on fire and then lights the other torch. Sure enough, the metal bars lift. She swings the stick to the side and the fire goes out. She puts it back on her back. When she goes through the door, she is met by a Deku Scrub. It spits a deku seed at her, but she effectively dodges. When she gets close, it pops down into its hole.

Zelda: Hmm…

She backs up and the scrub comes up and shoots again. She does the same thing as last time.

Zelda: I see. In that case…

She backs up again. When the scrub pops up and shoots the seed, she catches it.

Zelda: Batter up!

She pitches the ball with great speed and pegs the scrub in the face.

Deku Scrub: Please forgive me, master! I’ll never do it again! If you spare me, I’ll teach you something cool! You will never defeat my brothers up ahead unless you punish them in the proper order. The order is…2…3…1. Twenty-three is number one. Do you think I’m a traitor?
Zelda: Uh…yeah.

Before the scrub can run away, she uses her chain to whip the scrub and kill it. The ensuing door still is barred. She sees an eye above.

Zelda: Alright then.

Zelda uses one of her senbon to hit the eye and the door opens. She goes through that door. Zelda makes her way down to the next level where there are the three Deku Scrubs.

Zelda: Let’s see. If I remember right…

She takes out three senbon. She throws the first one in the middle, the second to the right and the third to the left. They all hit their targets and the left one runs. She, of course, catches up to him.

Deku Scrub:  How did you know our secret?! How irritating! It’s so annoying that I’m going to reveal the secret of Queen Gohma to you!
Zelda: Bitchin’.
Deku Scrub: In order to administer the coup de grace to Queen Gohma, strike with your sword while she’s stunned.
Zelda: I don’t have a freaking sword.
Deku Scrub: Don’t take what I say literally.
Zelda: Oh okay.

She kills the scrub the same way.

Zelda: Second verse, same as the first. And now time to fight this Queen Gohma.

Zelda and Navi head through the door into a dark room. Zelda looks up to see Queen Gohma’s figure.

Zelda: Oh no. Spiders…I HATE spiders.

Gohma drops down and crawls towards her. She whips with her chain, but to no avail. It just bounces off.

Zelda: Damn it!

She barely avoids getting bit by Gohma and then does a backflip. While she is in her descent, she is shown to throw one senbon, which lands straight dead center in its eye. It runs away with great pain and goes to the ceiling.

Zelda: That’s right! Now what?

All the spider larvae start to drop.

Zelda: Oh no no no. One spider is enough!

She is able to whip each larvae to death before they hatch.

Zelda: Thank goodness.

Just then, Gohma drops behind her.

Zelda: Right, you.
Navi: Zelda! Don’t forget, you have to attack while she’s stunned!
Zelda: Oh shit, that’s right.

Zelda takes the deku seed she picked up earlier and hits her with it. Gohma is now stunned and staggers. She takes out the deku stick and starts to beat the living hell out of the overgrown spider. It’s pretty much dead when the stick breaks, leaving a splinted stick. She shoves the now sharp stick straight into its eye, finishing it off.

Zelda: *Pant* Wooh, that was fun.
Navi: That was so gruesome! What is wrong with you?!
Zelda: Forget about it. Let’s get out of here.

A blue warp point appears and they step into it, warping outside of the Deku Tree.

Zelda: I stopped your curse. Now I’ll be taking that stone.
Deku Tree: Yes, of course.

The Spiritual Stone floats down over to Zelda. She grabs it and holds it above her head.

Zelda: DA NA NA NAAAAAA!!!!


Chapter End

The Legend of Badass Zelda: Dodongo’s Cavern


-If you are unfamiliar with any enemy names, I would suggest going to the Zelda wiki and looking them up, if you already have not done so.

Deku Tree: I am not long for this world, Zelda. Before I go, I must tell you a few things.
Zelda: Wait, I just cured your freaking curse and now you’re gonna go die on me? Why?
Deku Tree: I know, dick move, right? Oh well. Anyway, you must go to Dodongo’s Cavern on Death Mountain and to Jabu Jabu in Zora’s Domain. There you will find the other two stones.
Zelda: I understand.
Deku Tree: The rest is up to you. Navi, you must help her on her quest to conquer evil and save Link.

With that, the Deku Tree dies. Zelda bows her head to him out of respect.

Zelda: Rest in peace and rest assured, I will stop Ganon.

She turns around and leaves the area. When she makes it back to Kokiri Forest (the village part obviously), we can see everyone crowd around the dead Mido. Zelda backs away from the scene slowly.

Navi: What’s wrong?
Zelda: Just shut up for once and follow my lead.

She puts her full Shiek disguise back on and jumps into the trees at the edge of the village. She then begins to hop from tree to tree away from the forest.

Navi: It was you, wasn’t it?!
Zelda: Yes, but thankfully no one saw it.
Navi: Oh, well no one will miss that prick.
Zelda: That’s what I’m talking about. Respect.
Navi: What am I saying? I think your bad habits are starting to rub off on me.

In due time, they make it back to Hyrule Field. Unfortunately for them, it is night time again.

Zelda: Ah, we’re finally out of there.

The zombies begin to pop up in droves.

Zelda: Out of the frying pan and into the fire. Fuck me!
Navi: Hey! Listen!
Zelda: What?!
Navi: Attack their brain, that will kill them.
Zelda: What, seriously? Bitchin’.

About six of them come straight for her. She takes six senbon and throw them through each of their heads.

Navi: How did you do that?
Zelda: I infused magic into them to increase its penetration. Heh, pene…no time for jokes. These assholes are still coming. I have a better idea.
Navi: What?
Zelda: Run!

Zelda runs straight past the zombies and keeps running.

Zelda: Why me?!
Navi: Stop coming here at night.
Zelda: Shut up, fairy. Time is of the essence here.

By morning, they have made it to Kakariko Village.

Zelda: So…fucking…tired.

She collapses in the grass by a wall. After a few hours of sleep, she gets up and looks around.

Zelda: Oh, right. Kakariko. Let’s head to the Goron’s village. They might know where I can find Dodongo’s Cavern.

They go to the gate to head to Death Mountain but the gatekeeper stops them.

Gatekeeper: None shall pass without the approval of Hyrule’s monarchy.
Zelda: It’s me, jackass.

She shows her face to the gatekeeper.

Gatekeeper: Oh, Princess ZEL…
Zelda: SHHH! I’m undercover right now. I can’t be followed by paparazzi.
Gatekeeper: Oh, sorry. Go right ahead. *Wink*

She passes through and heads up Death Mountain. She encounters a few Tektites there.

Zelda: Agh! More spiders!

She wrecks them with her chain. She continues up the mountain and then sees the outside of the village in sight.

Zelda: Finally, now we can…

A huge boulder lands right next to her and startles her. A couple more boulder fall right towards her. She is able to dodge each one.

Navi: Hey!
Zelda: What?
Navi: Watch out! There are boulders coming right at you!
Zelda: I NOTICED!

She is able to dodge a few more then run to safety just at the entrance of the village.

Zelda: Whew, that was crazy. I’m not sleepy anymore, that’s for sure.

She heads into the village and sees the Gorons on their normal daily routine. She notices the Goron that is always rolling around the village. She activates Nayru’s Love for a moment to stop it from hitting her.

Zelda: Right. Now, tell me where Dodongo’s Cavern is.
Goron: If you head back down the mountain, you should see it on your right.
Zelda: Really? I must have missed it. Well, I was half asleep then. Thanks.

They backtrack, and sure enough, it’s right there.

Zelda: Say, haven’t you been here before?
Navi: Yeah.
Zelda: Then why didn’t you say anything?
Navi: I dunno.
Zelda: Some help you are!
Navi: Hey! Listen!
Zelda: Fuck off.
Navi: Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen!
Zelda: WHAT IS IT?!
Navi: We need to go to Dodongo’s Cavern.
Zelda: NO SHIT!

She grabs Navi and stuffs it in an empty bottle. She then goes inside the cavern. She notices the wall in front of her that needs to get blown up.

Zelda: I see. There’s a bomb flower over here too.

She picks the bomb and throws it at the door, making it explode the door open. She now sees the skull in the back of the room and the lava pits.

Zelda: Oh joy.

She jumps to the middle where she encounters a Beamos. It shoots a laser beam at her, which catches her off guard and grazes her on the shoulder. She jumps over to the right side of the room and picks up a bomb and throws it at another Beamos. It destroys it. A small heart drops down from the explosion. She picks it up and it heals the graze on her shoulder.

Zelda: Cool.

She heads to the next room, which contain a boatload of Dodongos. She lights one on fire with Din’s Fire, but that makes it explode and cause a chain reaction of explosions for all the Dodongos. When the smoke and dust clear, we see soot all over Zelda’s Shiek clothing.

Zelda: That was a really bad idea. On to the next room.

She makes it to the next door, which is barred. There is a switch in front of it, though. She stands on it and the door opens. But when she steps off the switch, the door becomes locked again.

Zelda: Hmm….

She steps back on the switch, and this time speeds her way past the bars and through the door. In this next room, there are many platforms that are separated over a large pit of lava. There are two Lizalfos’ waiting for her.

Zelda: Oh? An actual challenge? Come then.

Both of them charge Zelda at the same time with their swords drawn. The one on the left swings its blade, but Zelda ducks under it. She grabs its hand and then swings it over to the other Lizalfos. This stops the second one from attacking temporarily. They both regain their balance and then both start attacking at the same time with their swords. She is able to dodge each strike.

Zelda: You’ll have to do better than that!

Zelda lands a hard kick to the right Lizalfos, which sends it to the next platform. The left one slashes downwards at Zelda, but she disappears and reappears behind it. She then kicks the Lizalfos’ hamstring area, which makes it lean down on one knee. Zelda jumps up and grabs onto its head with her legs and then snaps its neck in one clean motion. The other Lizalfos is just getting up at this time and then makes its way back over to Zelda.

Zelda: Oh? So you can still fight, can you? Bring it on.

The Lizalfos starts to rapidly swing its sword, but to no avail. Zelda dodges each strike with great precision. Finally, she encases her hands with magical energy and then stops the sword with her hand. She then spins the Lizalfos around and kicks up the other sword from the ground. She catches it with one hand and shoves the sword directly up its ass. She then kicks it into the lava.

Zelda: I guess you could say…he was assking for it.

( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9rD4Paq0zE ) Zelda heads off into the next room. There she is greeted by a fully-grown Dodongo. She whips at it with her chain, but it does no damage. The Dodongo then gets ready to shoot fire at her.

Zelda: Damn.

She jumps aside when fire is spit towards her. She then steps on its tail, which seems to hurt it.

Zelda: I see. Makes sense.

She shakes her arm downwards and a kunai knife comes out of her sleeve and into her hand. She uses it to cut the tail off the Dodongo.

Zelda: If you’re anything like the babies, then RUN!

She runs away as it explodes.

Zelda: Close call.

She then looks in front of her to see a lot of torches that are unlit and one that is lit.

Zelda: Oh, it’s just like the Deku Tree. But I don’t have a deku stick. No choice, I’ll have to use some of my magic power.

Just then, she notices a door to her right. She goes through it and sees a Business Scrub in front of her. It shoots a deku nut at her and she catches it and throws it back like the Deku Scrub. After it pops up, she goes over to it.

Business Scrub: You got the stuff?
Zelda: What?
Business Scrub: Oh, sorry. Never mind. You want to buy a deku stick for 15 rupees?
Zelda: Sure, where are the sticks?
Business Scrub: Right here.

He reaches into the hole he popped out of and takes out a stick.

Zelda: Ah, perfect.

She immediately cuts him in half with her kunai and then takes the stick.

Zelda: Yoink!

Just like at the Deku Tree, Zelda lights the torches on fire and opens the next door. She is now in the main room again. There is a switch in front of her.

Zelda: …I could have climbed up here from the start too.

She steps on the switch and a door unlocks on the other side. She jumps to the left side of the room and heads through that door. She finds a row of bombs against a wall.

Zelda: What’s up with this?

She looks on the other side and there is the same thing. There is only one spot in the middle that is missing a bomb. Sure enough, there’s a bomb flower behind her.

Zelda: My OCD is kicking in. I must fill that last space!

Zelda takes the bomb and places it in the middle. It explodes and sets off a chain reaction to set off all the bombs. The middle structure collapses into a staircase.

Zelda: Oh, nice.

She heads up the staircase and rings around the room into another room. This one has a switch that is guarded by three Armos statues. She moves one and the other two come to life and attack her.

Zelda: Holy shit!

She jumps back and activates Din’s Fire and lights them both on fire. They explode near her and put more soot on her clothing.

Zelda: Why does everything have to fucking explode in here?!

She steps on the switch to open the door in front of her. When she does, she’s back in the main room, but just above the skull. She notices two bomb flowers. Suddenly, she feels a jerk as Navi is desperately trying to get out of the bottle. Zelda lets her out.

Navi: FINALLY!
Zelda: Are you gonna be good now?
Navi: Yes, I promise. Oh, hey!
Zelda: …What?
Navi: Throw those bombs into that skull’s eyes.
Zelda: Okay.

She does and it opens the skull’s mouth. She jumps down and heads into the mouth and into a room where the lava pit is in a square formation in the middle and the only safe land is a narrow strip on the edges of the square room. In the middle is King Dodongo.

Zelda: Ah, shit.


To be continued

The Legend of Badass Zelda: Zora’s Domain


Zelda: Ah, shit.
Navi: It’s King Dodongo.
Zelda: I gathered as much. So what’s the deal with this guy?
Navi: His shell is near impenetrable. You need to throw bombs in his mouth.
Zelda: I don’t have any of those!
Navi: Well, then you’re screwed.
Zelda: Thanks for the moral support!

The large creature charges at Zelda. She is able to avoid it and throw a few senbon simultaneously. The senbon bounce off the thick armor.

Zelda: Tch! Even with magic infused into them…

Just then, two Lizalfos drop down from the ceiling and pincer attack Zelda. She dodges each of their blades strikes and then notices King Dodongo charging at her again. She looks to her left and tackles the Lizalfos out of the way and thereby avoids the charge for the second time.

Zelda: This is a tough one. No choice.

She gets up and takes the deku stick off her back. The Lizalfos’ ready another attack and King Dodongo gets in ball form and then rolls towards Zelda. Zelda twirls the stick around and then slams it into the ground, causing a shockwave on the ground. This sends the two Lizalfos flying and it stops King Dodongo. Zelda is now encased in white energy of some sort. She points her staff towards the left Lizalfos and sends a magic ball towards it. It makes contact and explodes, killing it. She then disappears and appears in front of the other one, faster than it can follow. She points the stick at its face and a blast ensues, covering the Lizalfos and destroying it completely.

Zelda: Now, for you.

The deku stick break, due to the sheer power being channeled through it. King Dodongo begins rolling at a high velocity towards her. She sticks out her hand and activates Nayru’s Love to put up a shield in front of her. This stops the Dodongo dead in its tracks and forces it out of ball form. She then jumps on its head and vaults up high into the air and starts to flip a few times. She then lifts her leg up high and then brings it straight down right onto King Dodongo’s neck. At first, this does nothing, but then a huge shockwave rumbles through King Dodongo and sends it crashing down to the ground hard. It coughs up the Goron’s Ruby.

Zelda: DA NA NA NAAAAAA!
Navi: Zelda, that was incredible.
Zelda: That isn’t quite my full power, but it’s still taxing on me.

She starts panting as the energy surrounding her dissipates. She moves slowly towards the warp point and warps out. She lands outside the cavern. A few Gorons are there.

Goron: That’s our spiritual stone!
Zelda: Yeah, well I’m borrowing it for a little while.
Goron: But you can’t!
Zelda: Need it to save the world. K thanks bye.

She leaves with the ruby.

Zelda: Goron…more like moron. Am I right?
Navi: That’s horrible!
Zelda: Whatever. Let’s rest.

After Zelda rests on a roof in Kakariko, she looks to the graveyard of Kakariko.

Zelda: Impa…you’re in the Shadow Temple, aren’t you? Just hang on. I’ll free you from Ganon’s oppression.

They leave Kakariko.

Navi: Hey!
Zelda: What?
Navi: Listen! Why don’t you just use Farore’s Wind to get to Zora’s Domain?
Zelda: I might be better at using spells than Link, but I can’t use it freely. I can only use that spell to go anywhere I’ve been recently. Not to mention the further I go, the more magic it eats up.
Navi: Okay.
Zelda: It’s not like we have far to go anyway.

They travel along the side of Hyrule Field. Unfortunately for them…

Zelda: DON’T SAY IT!

It’s night time.

Zelda: FUUUUCK!!!!!

Hoards of zombies come after them as they run to the water.

Zelda: ZOMBIE U IS THAT WAY, ASSHOLES! LEAVE US ALONE!

Fortunately, they make it across the river and shake them. They make their way to the entrance of Zora’s Domain.

Navi: Oh yeah, you have to play your song to get in.
Zelda: Yeah, but I still need that last stone to get the Ocarina.
Navi: Right…
Zelda: Not a problem.

Zelda claps her hands together and activates a small spherical barrier that encases her and Navi. She jumps right through the waterfall no problem and enters Zora’s Domain.

Zelda: It’s been a while since I’ve been here. Let’s head up to the king.

She makes her way up to the king of Zora’s Domain.

Zelda: Hello, it’s been a while.
King: Ah, Princess Zelda! It’s good you showed up. Something bad has happened.
Zelda: That’s why I’m here.
King: Then, you know where Princess Ruto might be?
Zelda: Yes. She is likely being held hostage at the Water Temple. I can sense the sages are scattered amongst Hyrule.
King: Please save her!
Zelda: I will. Just give me that Zora Sapphire.
King: You’ll have to ask Jabu Jabu for it.
Zelda: Oh that thing…alright then.

The Zora king begins to slide to the side at a very slow pace to try to let Zelda through. After like a minute of waiting…

Zelda: I have a better idea.

She jumps onto the king’s level of ground and then jumps over him.

Zelda: Much better.

She heads outside to where Jabu Jabu is.

Zelda: Yo, Jabu Jabu. Give me the sapphire.

She gets no response.

Zelda: …Fine then.

Zelda goes up to Jabu Jabu and kicks its mouth. It moves around in pain and then spits out the Zora Saphire to her.

Zelda: That’s more like it. Now I have all three. Oh yeah and did I mention? DA NA NA NAAAAA!!

Just then, she senses something and jumps back to avoid a lightning bolt. But because of the water she’s in, she gets shocked from it.

Navi: What was that?
Zelda: I recognize that spell. Thunder. The Seventh Sage. Show yourself, Pent!

In case any of you didn’t pick up that Ocarina of Time only had Seven Sages, Pent ( http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20080330024331/fireemblem/images/9/98/Pent.jpg Reference: Fire Emblem GBA) appears in front of Zelda.

Zelda: You have a lot of guts showing up in my world and becoming an official sage and then turning against me.
Pent: Fimbulvetr.
Zelda: Oh shit! Hey, wait a minute…

Pent unleashes, Fimbulvetr, which causes a large gust of wind and ice to rain down on the area, which freezes the immediate water. Zelda is able to teleport out of there with Farore’s Wind in time and teleport behind Pent. She throws a few senbon, but Pent turns around and blocks them with a simple fire spell.

Zelda: So you want to play hardball, do you?

She sends a ball of Din’s Fire towards Pent, and Pent counters with Elfire. The Elfire overpowers Din’s Fire, but falls short of Zelda. Just then, Zelda is right in front of Pent and looks straight into his eyes.

Zelda: Hey, you’re not being controlled.
Pent: Nope.

Zelda steps back a little.

Zelda: Well then what the fuck was the point to attacking me and helping Ganondorf capture Link?!
Pent: I dunno. It seemed like fun.
Zelda: Shit. You need to go back to your own world.
Pent: Do you want my help or not?
Zelda: Sure, what information can you give me?
Pent: As you may have feared, the sages are all in their respective temples.
Zelda: What are they doing there?
Pent: They’re giving power to Ganondorf gradually. The more it takes for you to free them, the more power he’ll have.
Zelda: I see. I’m going to the Temple of Time first. I need the Ocarina of Time and then I can save Rauru at the same time.
Pent: Good luck. I will give you some of my power, so that you can use it against Ganon.
Zelda: Great! You know, if you weren’t married, I’d be all over you.
Pent: I get that a lot.

Pent raises his hands and gives Zelda some of his power.

Pent: Oh and did you master that tome I gave you?
Zelda: I think I got the hang of it. Magic in Fire Emblem is fucking complicated, man.
Pent: I know. Consider it thanks for teaching me Farore’s Wind. Anyway, see you at the Temple of Time when you’ve gathered all the sages.

Pent teleports away with Farore’s Wind.

Navi: Hurry! We have to get back to the Temple of Time!
Zelda: Right. I’ll teleport there.
Navi: Have you been there recently?
Zelda: No, but I did pass the route to it on the way out of the castle grounds. This is going to take up a lot of magic power, so hang on.

Navi sits on Zelda’s shoulder as she focuses and then teleports.


Chapter End

The Legend of Badass Zelda: The Temple of Time


Zelda ends up in the town square. Life is joyful as usual for the townspeople. Before they get to notice that it’s Zelda who just teleported, she runs off towards the Temple of Time. She makes it to the entrance and opens the doors. As she enters, she sees the door of time is shut.

Zelda: As expected.
Navi: Hey!
Zelda: What?
Navi: Listen! We have a problem.
Zelda: What’s that?
Navi: You said the Ocarina is beyond the door of time, but to open the door of time, you need the Ocarina.
Zelda: You picked up on that, huh? And normally, you would be correct.

She goes to the pedestal that has the slots for the spiritual stones. She puts the stones in their proper slots.

Zelda: The royal family of Hyrule has passed down a spell to be able to open the door of time in case of emergency. Of course, it’s still useless without these three gems.

Zelda mumbles a chant and then puts her hands together into a balled up fist and focuses. The door begins to slowly open after a second. After it opens, she relaxes and unfolds her hands.

Zelda: That’s how it’s done.

Zelda and Navi head into the next room where the Master Sword would normally be. Standing at the pedestal where it would be is Rauru, the Light Sage.

Zelda: As I thought. You are being controlled. Those darkened eyes prove it.

Rauru puts both of his hands forward and a light beam shoots out of his hands. Zelda dodges barely, but the light bounces off the wall behind her and hits her in the back.

Zelda: Ugh. That was unpleasant.

Rauru shoots another one. This time, Zelda dodges more to the side. The beam begins bouncing all around the room. She is able to keep track and dodge it when Rauru shoots two more. With three light beams bouncing off the walls, she is literally moving as fast as she can with her eyes running rampant just to avoid them. Finally, they all close in at the same time when she shoots out a spurt of magic energy to disperse the beam. She disappears and reappears behind Rauru. He gets chopped in the back of the neck and then falls to the ground.

Zelda: Alright. That light ability was troublesome, but you are still an old man and weak.

She turns him on his back and then puts her hand over his eyes to break Ganon’s control. When Rauru wakes up, he rubs his neck in pain.

Rauru: I’m in control again. You saved me.
Zelda: Don’t get used to it, old man.
Rauru: You must save the other sages, Princess! They’re-
Zelda: I know. I heard everything from the Deku Tree and Pent. Just lend me your power and let me be on my way.
Navi: Hey!
Zelda: What?
Navi: Listen! The Ocarina!
Zelda: Shit, that’s right.

She turns around and sees that it was haphazardly left near the doorway. She picks it up and holds it over her head.

Zelda: DA NA FUCKIN’ NAAAA!
Rauru: Here you go.

Rauru gives Zelda his medallion. She holds it above her head.

Zelda: Double DA NA FUCKIN’ NAAAA!
Rauru: Navi, how do you put up with that language?
Navi: I’ve gotten used to it…

As Zelda turns to exit the room, she notices that someone is standing in her way. She steps back in astonishment as she sees that it’s Ganondorf.

Zelda: You! You slimy bastard!
Ganondorf: I thought I felt control of Rauru slipping away. So it was you.
Zelda: Damn skippy it was me. Give my sex slave, I mean, hero of time back right now.
Ganondorf: Afraid I can’t do that. With him out of the way, no one will be able to stop my plans. Not even you.
Zelda: Yeah, and what ARE your plans?
Ganondorf: You see, my time in Super Smash Bros. has taught me something. There is more than one world, more than this trivial Hyrule. But I kept getting 3 stocked by Marth, so I knew I couldn’t just take over all Nintendo worlds. I need the power of the sages and the Hero of Time.
Zelda: So your plan is to take over the Nintendo multi-verse? You crazy fool!
Ganondorf: We’ll see who’s crazy when I, the King of Evil, am ruler of all.
Zelda: Rauru, get to the Chamber of Sages. If I fail, he can’t get your power again.

Rauru teleports away.

Zelda: I’ll end you right now, Ganondouche.

She takes out a Deku Nut and throws it at him. It explodes on Ganondorf, but it has no effect. Ganon charges up his Wizard Punch, but Zelda uses Farore’s Wind to teleport away. She ends up on Hyrule Field just outside of the gates.

Navi: What was that?
Zelda: It’s not time yet. Right now he still has the power of five sages, the Triforce of Power, and it seems he might have Link’s Triforce of Courage.
Navi: I see. But your power that you showed is amazing.
Zelda: Even I have limits. Let’s move on.

But unfortunately for Zelda…

Zelda: Go on, say it.

It becomes nighttime. And a bunch of zombies go after her.

Zelda: Nice try. Now that I have the Ocarina of Time this won’t affect me one bit.

Zelda plays the Sun’s Song and it becomes daytime, dispersing all the zombies.

Navi: Well, that’s a relief.
Zelda: We’re headed for Kokiri Village, Navi. Hang on.

She teleports them to Kokiri.


Chapter End

The Legend of Badass Zelda: The Forest Temple


Zelda and Navi make it to Kokiri Village.

Navi: Hey! We have to go to the Lost Woods to get to the temple.
Zelda: I know. I’ve been to every temple, remember?
Navi: Oh…what about the Water Temple?
Zelda: Shut it. Let’s just go.

She looks over to where she had killed Mido and we can see a few Kokiri dancing around the area. She listens on to the conversation.

Kokiri 1: Without Mido around, things are so much better!
Kokiri 2: Hell yeah! Just last week he pushed my child into the river.
Kokiri 1: You have a child? But we all have the physical bodies of children.
Kokiri 2: Don’t judge me! Besides, we all had to be conceived at one point.
Kokiri 1: Hmm…you make a valid point.
Zelda: Call Kotaku.

Zelda jumps up to a higher platform in the village and then heads through the log opening. She heads into the Lost Woods. Saria’s song echoes through the entire forest.

Zelda: Good song. I have it on my iPod. So, can’t we follow the sound of the song to find the temple?
Navi: That was only when Saria played it. Now we have to inch through each hole until it looks like we won’t get sent back to Kokiri Village.
Zelda: That’s just stupid.

They look up and see the owl.

Owl: Hoot! Hello, Zelda.
Zelda: Fuck. Not this guy. Hey, Noctowl, how the hell did you get so big?
Owl: Listen to what I have to say. It’s very important. You must get to the Forest Temple. Just yesterday I had lunch with my lady friend if you know what I mean. She had a turkey sandwich and a bagel with some smart balance. I told her to go easy on the carbs, but she disregards any male advice. So anyway, do you remember the time when we…

One hour later…

Owl: ...but it’s funny because she doesn’t like cheese. So that’s why you need to go to the Forest Temple. Did you want to hear what I said again?
Navi: …I have no idea what you said.
Owl: I will repeat it.
Zelda: NAVI!!!
Navi: What? We need to hear the owl’s wisdom.
Zelda: You know what? Fuck this!

Zelda jumps high up and then saddles herself on the owl’s back.

Zelda: Take me to the Forest Temple. You know the way, right?
Owl: Why are you doing this?! I am not some griffin!
Zelda: If you value your children’s lives, you will do as I say. Got it?
Owl: But I don’t have children!
Zelda: Who said anything about the present?
Owl: …oh dear.

The owl flies her over to the Forest Temple. He is panting and sweating by the time she gets off.

Owl: There. *Pant* Jeez, you’re heavier than you look. I’m not cut out for this type of manual labor.
Zelda: It’s all muscle, asshole. Now go away.
Owl: What? No payment? Slavery! I call slavery!
Zelda: Yep.

Zelda continues on. She wraps her chain around the tree that Link had to hookshot onto to get into the Forest Temple. She swings with it and does a flip off the height of her jump to land on the platform. She heads in and then sees the door at the far end of the room. Suddenly, two Wolfos appear.

Zelda: Great.

The Wolfos approach her and then sit down while wagging their tails.

Navi: What the…
Zelda: Dogs love chicks, especially male dogs. What good Wolfos.

She leans down and pets them. They look at her and start salivating.

Navi: I think they want treats.
Zelda: I’ll give them a nice treat later. And I know just where to get it. Stay.

They stay as Zelda heads through the door into the next room. She sees the giant Skullwalltula above waiting to drop on her in the middle of the room.

Zelda: Ugh. Spiders. So fucking creepy.

Zelda shakes her arm and her kunai comes into her hand. She throws it, but it bounces off the enemy.

Navi: Hey! Watch out! Those things have armor on the front of them.
Zelda: I noticed. So their weakness is their back then.

Zelda speeds past the room before the enemy has a chance to drop on her. It drops down and gets whipped in the back from her chain. She picks up her kunai after the Skullwalltula dies. She opens the ensuing door and goes into the next room. This is the room with the elevator and the four different colored fires. As she walks into the room, the four fires go out. Four Poes appear with the fires on their torches.

Navi: Don’t let those Poes get away!
Zelda: Got it.

Zelda disappears for a second and then we can see a magic trail where she travels. She quickly strikes one Poe after another until the last one remains. She is about to finish the last one before she accidentally trips over the lowed elevator. She falls while the last one (red) escapes.

Zelda: Shit. I’m still not used to my magic enhanced speed quite yet.
Navi: Hey!
Zelda: Yeah, what?
Navi: You have to get all four fires back so that you can go down the elevator.
Zelda: Okay. Looks like I got three of them. That just leaves the red one. Let’s go. I believe it went that way.

She jumps a ledge and then goes up some steps and then through a door.

Navi: This is so much easier now that Link opened all these locks.
Zelda: Tell me about it.

In the next room is another Skullwalltula. She does the same thing as last time to defeat it and go into the next room. This room is big with many different directions one can go. There is a ladder in front.

Navi: We have to get to the top.
Zelda: Got it. Fuck the ladders.

She goes between two close together walls and then wall jumps between them till she makes it to the top, where she somersaults off the wall and lands in style. There are two blue bubbles there. She throws two senbon, which connect. This dispels their barrier. She throws two more to kill both.

Zelda: Hoping we’re making decent headway here.

Zelda goes through the door to see the twisted corridor.

Navi: Listen! This corridor is all twisted!
Zelda: Thanks. Otherwise I would have never known.
Navi: Why are you always such a jerk?
Zelda: Oh, I dunno. Probably because you say the most obvious shit.
Navi: What about the Poes? Without me you would have had to go through the entire temple getting those fires.
Zelda: I will concede that information was helpful. But why can’t you just share useful info like that instead of the obvious? Do you think our intelligence is just that low?
Navi: Secretly, I have no faith in the humanity…or Goronity or Zoranity…

Zelda keeps moving on through the corridor. She makes it to a platform at the end.

Navi: Watch out for a Floor Master here.
Zelda: Hold on, that corridor was fucking odd. I have to-

She immediately throws up over the edge. A Floor Master comes up from below with her barf all over it.

Zelda: Sorry about that…not.

The hand goes right for her chest area. She kicks it twice in the palm to kill it.

Zelda: That thing tried to grope me!

Zelda turns to her right to see the next door. She jumps across the small gap and then goes through it. She sees the red Poe, Joelle, in the picture frame.

Navi: Shoot the picture.
Zelda: Cool.

She throws a senbon at it and the picture disappears. She goes forward and then rings around the corner to see a flight of steps going down and another picture frame. She does the same to it. When she rings around the next corner, she finds the last picture. She pierces it with a senbon and then Joelle appears and goes all the way to the bottom of the last flight of steps.

Zelda: You’re not getting away this time.

She speed blitzes Joelle and cuts her with her kunai to kill her. Her fire disappears.

Zelda: I did it.
Navi: Hey!
Zelda: Yeah?
Navi: I think I am experiencing character development.
Zelda: Oh? Sweet.

She goes through the door in front of her. There a spherical room lies. Four Stalfos are there, waiting for her.

Navi: Four? We only had to deal with two at a time last time!
Zelda: Sounds like fun.

She encases herself in magic energy and then disappears completely. In a flash, all of the Stalfos bust apart. Zelda reappears in the middle of the room.

Zelda: That was a lot of energy I used. Shit.

Luckily for her, each Stalfos dropped a large magic bottle to replenish her MP.

Zelda: Yes!

A large treasure chest appears right next to her. She opens it slowly.

Zelda: Dudududu dudududu dudududu dudududududududududud DA NA NA NAAAAAA!!!!

She holds a fairy bow above her head.

Navi: Where did they get another bow?
Zelda: *Shrug*
Navi: Those cheap bastards didn’t even leave us arrows this time around.
Zelda: No problem.

She straps the bow to her back and backtracks till she gets back to the main room with the fire. With all four fires back, the elevator is in its original position now.

Zelda: Alright, let’s go.

She jumps into the elevator which takes her down all the way to the boss door.

Navi: So glad Link left this puzzle finished.
Zelda: So am I. Now, let’s go free Saria.

She heads through the boss door and then up a few flights of steps. When she gets to the circular arena type of platform, the area where she entered has spikes that rise.

Zelda: (Sarcastically) Oh no, foot high spikes that I can easily jump over. Whatever will I do?
Voice: Hee…hee…heee.
Zelda: That laugh…

Phantom Ganon appears with his staff. He wastes no time before floating in mid-air and readying a light energy ball.

Zelda: So we’re playing this game.

He shoots it, and Zelda repels it with Nayru’s Love. Ganon bats it back, Zelda repels it again. This process goes on for a couple times until Ganon smacks it away.

Zelda: I see this is getting us nowhere.

Ganon lands on the ground and spins his staff.

Zelda: Now that’s more like it.

Zelda rushes for Phantom Ganon. She throws three senbon, which are blocked by the staff. Ganon then swings the staff horizontally, and Zelda ducks under it. She lands a kick to his stomach and then a hard uppercut to his jaw. Phantom decides to throw his staff while it spins in mid-air. Zelda kicks it straight up into the air and then blitzes him. She stabs him with her kunai and then encases her hands with magic and rapidly punches him. Her last punch sends Phantom Ganon to the floor.

Zelda: You’re nothing compared to the real thing.

Phantom Ganon flies up into the air again and laughs. He charges up a ball of magic to send at Zelda again.

Zelda: Oh, no we’re not playing this again.

She takes out her bow and then pulls back the string. A pure light arrow appears. Just as Ganon shoots his ball, Zelda releases her arrow. The arrow goes straight through Phantom Ganon’s attack and pierces through his torso. He explodes shortly after. From out of the smoke caused by the explosion, Saria drops down and hits the floor.

Zelda: Ganon used Saria as a medium for his phantom.

She quickly breaks the spell on her and then goes out the blue warp point. She appears again where the Wolfos were, carrying Saria in her arms.

Navi: You’re going to feed Saria to them?
Zelda: No, I have something much better in mind for their food.

She puts Saria down for a second and then heads outside to see the owl still there.

Zelda: Yo.
Owl: Why do I have the feeling this conversation won’t end well?


Chapter End

The Legend of Badass Zelda: The Fire Temple


In the end, that annoying owl got away in a moment that Zelda was distracted by something shiny. But it was okay, because luckily for the Wolfos there were plenty of dead enemies inside to eat. Not but a few minutes have passed since then and Zelda is at Hyrule field taking a rest in the grass.

Zelda: Saria has been saved. I want to go to the Shadow Temple next to save Impa.
Navi: You can’t. You have to go through each temple in the proper order?
Zelda: Why is that?
Navi: Because plot.
Zelda: Makes sense. So what’s next, the Fire Temple?
Navi: Yeah. Then the Water Temple, Shadow Temple and Spirit Temple.
Zelda: That’s what I thought.

After Zelda is able to rest for a little while, she teleports them to Death Mountain. Just as they make it, a giant boulder drops on Zelda.

Zelda: (Muffled) Thish fcking playsh

The boulder rolls off her and she has suffered only minor injuries, thanks to Nayru’s Love protecting her at the very last instant.

Navi: Yo dawg, you good?
Zelda: What…the…hell?
Navi: I is turned over a new leaf, homie.
Zelda: This is what you meant by character development? Let’s just go.
Navi: Aight.

They start the trip up Death Mountain. They reach the rock wall.

Zelda: I’m not looking forward to this…
Navi: Yo!
Zelda: What?
Navi: Ya heard? Why don’t you play the Bolero of Fire?
Zelda: I don’t remember the temple teleport songs.
Navi: For shame.
Zelda: Whatever. You know, maybe I don’t have to climb this.

A bunch of large rocks start to drop.

Zelda: Perfect.

She jumps on each one like a platform and uses each as a footstool to get to the top of the mountain.

Navi: Tight.
Zelda: The temple isn’t far from here.

She heads into the mountain.

Zelda: It’s freaking hot up here.
Navi: Yo!
Zelda: Yeah?
Navi: Why is you able to withstand the heat?
Zelda: These Shiek clothes of mine have the same power as Link’s Goron tunic as well as his Zora tunic. So you don’t have to worry about me.
Navi: Aight.
Zelda: I can see the temple over there.

Zelda hops across to the entrance of the Fire Temple. She heads inside and goes up the steps in the first room. The two Fire Keese fly towards her.

Zelda: Oh boy, these things.

She is able to pinpoint her accuracy with her chain and kills both with relative ease.

Zelda: Hmm…left or right?
Navi: Left.
Zelda: Okay.

She heads through the left door and sees the boss door unlocked.

Zelda: Easy.
Navi: Yo!
Zelda: What is it?
Navi: Dawg, we got a Goron trapped over there.

Zelda goes to the trapped Goron and opens the cage by stepping on the floor button. The classic Zelda sound plays.

Zelda: I love that jingle.
Goron: Are you releasing me? Am I free to go? I’ll tell you a secret for saving me. My other brothers are trapped like me. Please save them.
Zelda: Ssssssshiiiit!
Navi: Zelda, we gotta save our n-
Zelda: STOP! Don’t you dare say that. We could be canceled at any time if we show racial slurs like that on a public fanfic site.
Navi: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean any offense.
Zelda: What’s with you anyway? Are you really hell bent on speaking this way?
Navi: No good, huh?
Zelda: No. That doesn’t suit you.
Navi: Aight, but I’m gonna talk this way the rest of the temple, you feel me?
Zelda: Fine.

She looks at the boss door and then thinks for a little bit.

Zelda: Hmm…the Gorons, or an easy out for the temple? Decisions decisions. I can get the hammer if I go the normal way, right? Oh wait, no, I’m sure Ganon has that in his possession right now…
Navi: You ain’t thinking about…
Zelda: Of course not, Navi. I know what the right thing to do is.

She goes through the boss door.

Zelda: …BUUUUT sometimes I just choose to ignore it.
Navi: You is horrible!
Zelda: Once I kill Volvagia, I’ll just have the Gorons rescue their own kin. They need to learn self-sufficiency anyway. Too long has Hyrule been lazy, making Link do everything for them.
Navi: You trippin’, dawg.

Zelda hops across the platforms to get to the middle with all the holes of lava filling them.

Zelda: There’s that bastard Darunia.

Standing at the edge of the platform is Darunia. His eyes are still darkened, showing that he is being controlled. He rolls into a ball and then charges at her. She takes one hand and stops the roll with Nayru’s love as a small barrier around her hand. He starts enhancing his roll with magic of his own, which starts grinding against the barrier.

Zelda: Not bad, but your magic is far inferior to my own.

She encases her right foot with magic and kicks Darunia. It busts through his aura and kicks him away. This breaks his roll and breaks a spike on his back. Darunia begins to charge up another roll.

Zelda: Not today.

She encases Darunia in a Nayru’s Love barrier. His roll crashes against the barrier, but it cannot gain any ground. He eventually stops and starts punching against the barrier, but cannot break it. Once he realizes futility, he stops and Zelda takes that opportunity to dash to him and grab his face. She stares him in the eyes and then widens hers which releases a bit of energy. This is able to disrupt his controlling spell. Darunia falls on one knee and then looks at Zelda.

Zelda: Awake yet?
Darunia: You got some serious strength there, sister.
Zelda: Yeah.
Darunia: Thank you for saving me. I will go save..

Darunia is interrupted, as the ground around them starts to quake. This throws the worn out Darunia off balance and he goes off the edge. Zelda grabs one of his wrists.

Zelda: Don’t give up on me now, big guy.

Darunia swings and stuffs his feet in the rock and then grabs the ledge with his other hand. Zelda puts his other hand on the ledge as well.

Darunia: I can get up from here. Go, defeat that monster.
Zelda: Oh, well you were on your own from here anyway.

She turns her attention to the middle of the platform, where Volvagia comes up from one of the holes.

Zelda: Let’s go, you piece of shit.

Darunia climbs up.

Darunia: Be careful. We need the Megaton Hammer to beat him.
Zelda: We don’t have that.
Darunia: Well then, we’re screwed.
Zelda: Screwed? Weren’t you the one praising my strength just a minute ago?
Darunia: What will you do?
Zelda: Relax. This is the infamously easy temple. Volvagia is a piece of cake.

Volvagia roars and then breaths fire at them both. They both avoid in opposite directions.

Darunia: You were saying?
Zelda: Just shut your fucking mouth and watch me.
Navi: Daaaaaayum, you got served!

Zelda takes the ocarina out. She plays the song of storms while channeling a lot of magic power into the ocarina. A massive storm begins to form above Volvagia and suddenly torrential downpour ensues. Volvagia’s fire goes out. Zelda promptly gives it both middle fingers.

Zelda: Hey, Navi. I bet you didn’t know that channeling magic into the Ocarina of Time makes the effect even stronger.
Navi: Fo’ real?
Zelda: Hell yeah.

Volvagia falls to the ground, being weakened by all the water. Zelda begins to walk towards it.

Zelda: Just remember this saying, Darunia. When you screw with the bull, you get fucked in the ass.
Darunia: I thought it was “you get the horns”.
Zelda: Ah yeah, that’s it. What I’m trying to say is that Volvagia is done for.

She jumps high up into the air and pushes off the ceiling downwards. She focuses a large bit of magic energy to her leg and then spins like a drill. Her drill kick connects with Volvagia’s head and cracks it. A shockwave is sent through its entire body and kills it almost immediately. A warp point appears.

Zelda: Like I said, infamously easy. Get to the chamber of sages, Darunia. I still have more sages to rescue and I’ll need your power in due time.
Darunia: Got it.
Zelda: Alright, let’s go.
Navi: I guess it’s time for me to switch personalities again.
Zelda: I guess so.

She steps into the warp point along with Navi and they teleport away. They land just outside of the entrance to the interior of Death Mountain.

Zelda: Shit, I’m drained again.
Navi: Hey! If you look to the left, you’ll see another cave. It leads to a Great Fairy who will restore your energy.
Zelda: Oh, convenient.

She goes in and plays her own song. The fairy appears and starts laughing.

Zelda: Yo.
Great Fairy: I will restore your energy, Princess.
Zelda: Thanks.

She restores her magic energy and health.

Great Fairy: When battle has made you weary, please come back to see me.
Zelda: Woah. I’m not into chicks. I knew you were a fairy, but…
Navi: That’s the same thing she said to Link all the time.
Zelda: Oh?

She gives her an evil look.

Great Fairy: I didn’t do anything, I swear!

She disappears.

Zelda: Yeah, I’ll bet. Well, I’d better get going now.


Chapter End

The Legend of Badass Zelda: The Water Temple


This chapter is dedicated to Robin Williams, who loved the Legend of Zelda series so much that he named his daughter Zelda. Thank you for being a big part of my childhood and many other childhoods. Rest in peace.

Zelda is now in Zora’s domain again. She climbs the winding ascent to the king. He is sitting in his original spot again.

Navi: We have to get into the ice cavern where Jabu Jabu was.
Zelda: Right. Hey, king.
King: You have come back, Princess.
Zelda: Can I get back there again?
King: Sure, I’ll just move and…
Zelda: Uh, no. Just stay there. It will take another hour for you to move. On second thought, you should move elsewhere permanently. You do know that all of Zora’s domain’s water is flowing through your crotch before it goes to your subjects.
King: I never thought of it that way.

Zelda jumps over the king again and heads outside where Jabu Jabu is.

Navi: (New York Italian accent) Ey! The fuckin’ ice cavern is over there.
Zelda: You can’t point, remember? You don’t have hands. Luckily I can see it.
Navi: Oh…

When they get to the platform where Jabu Jabu is, he cringes at her.

Zelda: I kicked you once. Get over it, wussy.
Navi: Yeah, or she’ll blow your fuckin’ brains out!
Zelda: For Nayru’s sake…

Zelda jumps in the water and swims over to where the ice cavern is. She latches her chain with her kunai on it to the ground above and uses it as a rope to get up.

Zelda: Okay. Let’s go get those boots.

She goes into the cave and starts to travel.

Zelda: How did it get so cold in here?

As she continues on, frozen stalactites drop towards her. Surprised, she gets grazed on the shoulder by one and manages to dodge the rest.

Zelda: Shit, that hurt.
Navi: You’se an idiot for not seeing that coming.
Zelda: Careful. You’ll go in the jar again.
Navi: I’m sorry, Don Zelda.

They reach the next room, which has the spinning spiked object circling around the icy floor. There is a Freezzard waiting for Zelda in the middle. When she goes to fight it, it blows freezing air at her and she immediately freezes into an ice block.

Zelda: Thish…ishn’t…over.

She eventually breaks free of the ice and then kicks the Freezzard apart. She slips, however, and falls on her ass.

Zelda: This is not going well…

After she gets up, two more appear and move towards her. She pushes off one foot and then slides her way across the ice to one Freezzard. She kicks it apart and then stops herself like an ice skater would. She slides to the other one and spins around while doing so. She lands a hard kick coming out of her spin to kill the last one. A gate opens that impeded her path before. As Zelda goes through the gate, more stalactites fall. She dodges all of them this time.

Zelda: This cave fucking sucks! It’s trying to kill me!

In the next room, they see the spinning ice propeller type of object. There are many silver rupees lying around.

Zelda: Oh, this old game.

She jumps on top of one of the spinning arms and rides it like a surfboard, collecting the silver rupees in the middle. She slips off eventually, however, and falls on her ass again.

Zelda: Farore, my ass is sore today. Eh, Navi? Eeehhhh?
Navi: That’s fuckin’ disgusting, ya mook.

One of the arms hits her in the back of the head, which drives her face down into the ice.

Zelda: This better be worth it.

After escaping the arm, she collects the rest of the rupees and the next gate opens. She goes through it. In the next room, we see that the blue fire is no longer there and the treasure chest is open.

Navi: Ey!
Zelda: What?
Navi: That was the fuckin’ map. And the blue fire’s gone.
Zelda: No problem.

She backtracks to the previous room and then looks to her right to see a pathway blocked by red ice.

Zelda: Regular fire might not work, but I bet my fire arrow will.

It doesn’t. She fires it and it does not melt the ice.

Zelda: Shit.

She goes up to the ice and then cracks it with her fist encased by magic. It breaks apart.

Zelda: That’s how it’s done.

She goes down the pathway. In the next room is the puzzle with a movable block and silver rupees.

Navi: Not this puzzle…
Zelda: Fear not.

Zelda quickly goes around collecting the rupees. When the gate opens, she jumps up onto the platform with slight difficulty, because of the lack of a foothold with ice.

Zelda: Link has no jumping skills.

More stalactites fall as she continues on. This time, she is fully ready and dodges all of them.

Zelda: Too easy. Now, let’s get those boots.

She goes into the dark room with icicles.

Zelda: Hey, I remember this room. Oh…shit.

The boots are not there. The treasure chest is open with nothing in it.

Zelda: Why did I think they would be here? I went through all that shit in this cave for nothing. I have another idea…

Zelda goes to Lake Hylia.

Navi: Whah you doin’?
Zelda: Relax and watch. That ice cavern gave me an idea.

She draws her bow and an ice arrow appears. She shoots it down just next to her foot and an ice block appears around it. She does the same to her other foot. She makes her Shiek mask appear again and puts it on.

Zelda: Here goes nothing.

She jumps into the water and sinks, thanks to the ice around her feet. The ice slowly begins thawing. When she reaches the bottom and walks to the gate, it is luckily open. She walks through when the ice melts completely. When she floats up in the water temple, she climbs up onto a platform. In this room ahead is the main area of the water temple. She jumps across to the middle and makes her way to the other side, where the longshot grapple point is.

Zelda: So how do I do this temple?
Navi: Well…
Zelda: And do it in your normal voice, please.
Navi: You have to keep going back and forth with raising and lowering the water level getting to where you want to go so that you can get the longshot. You need to use your ice block feet a lot to sink since you can only do some things underwater. This is the worst temple by far. Link and I still have nightmares from getting lost here for days.
Zelda: …holy shit. So that over there is where I need to go?
Navi: Yeah.
Zelda: Cool.

She shoots an ice arrow into the water in front to create an ice block. She jumps onto it and then jumps off it to grab the ledge. She pulls herself up.

Navi: …What?
Zelda: Yep. That just happened. Did I just skip over 90% of the temple?
Navi: Yes.
Zelda: Sweet.

Zelda goes into the next room with a steep climb with the spiked objects moving back and forth horizontally.

Navi: Just keep moving and you’ll be fine.
Zelda: Got it.

Zelda speeds through but falls on her face after slipping. She slides all the way down.

Zelda: My beautiful face is being wrecked on this trip.

This time, she speeds through just fine and makes it to the top. She goes through the door to the boss room.

Navi: Zelda! Look out! That isn’t normal water over there!
Zelda: Is it a Jacuzzi? Because I love those.
Navi: No, not that kind of water.
Zelda: Heh, oh. I read you loud and clear. *wink*
Navi: No!

The water suddenly takes form and we see Morpha appear with the brain in the middle. It grabs Zelda and holds her up in the air. We see Morpha spawn water hands and try to undress her.

Zelda: You horny little shit!

She is able to stop herself from losing her clothes, but Morpha just throws her away. Her face splats against the wall and she falls to the floor.

Zelda: My face and my ass are my two best womanly assets and I will not let them be deformed by the end of this!
Navi: You have to destroy that brain!
Zelda: I figured.

Zelda whips with her chain to knock the brain out of the water. When it hits land, she stabs it repeatedly with her kunai and then squishes it with her foot.

Zelda: You want to eat me, do you? Well, eat my foot.

Morpha is killed and dissipates into the water. Princess Ruto then emerges from the water and stands on one of the platforms in the middle.

Zelda: All right, bitch. Bring it on.

With magic encasing both hands, Ruto sends a tidal wave Zelda’s way by thrusting her hands forward. Zelda can’t draw her bow in time and uses Nayru’s love to block it. But before she can do it again, Zelda does draw her bow and shoots an ice arrow to stop the water that she begun to control.

Zelda: You need to use your arms to control the water’s direction, right?

Zelda blitzes Ruto and choke slams her to the floor. She pins her arms against the floor and holds her down until their eyes meet and Zelda breaks the spell on Ruto.

Ruto: Zelda…
Zelda: I know what it looks like right now. For the record, I wasn’t gonna do anything to you while you were asleep.

She gets off and helps Ruto up.

Zelda: Just as long as you know that Link is mine.
Ruto: Thank you for saving me. You have to hurry and save the others.
Zelda: That’s what I’m doing. You don’t have to tell me that. I have just two more to go.

She takes off her mask again and ties her hair into a ponytail again.

Zelda: Gotta run. Get back to the chamber of sages. I will communicate with you again once you’re all there.

The blue warp point appears. Just before they step in…

Navi: So, the new persona wasn’t good?
Zelda: No. It’s not really you.
Navi: “Me”, huh?
Zelda: Yeah.

They step into the warp point and warp away.

Zelda: Hang on, Impa. I’m coming.


Chapter End

The Legend of Badass Zelda: The Shadow Temple


Zelda has teleported to Kakariko Village. She is resting up against a building, with her Shiek mask on.

Navi: Hey! When are we going to move again?
Zelda: I need to rest up. I have a feeling this temple will be the hardest one.
Navi: Why is that?
Zelda: We don’t have the lens of truth, and I can’t just sense my way through that temple. And furthermore, I’m going to have to fight Impa, my martial arts teacher.
Navi: Sounds rough.
Zelda: You wouldn’t happen to know your way through the temple by heart, would you?
Navi: …No, sorry.
Zelda: Shit.

After being properly rested, Zelda stands up and heads into the graveyard. She pays her respects to the gravestone that reveals the catacombs to the sun song. She then jumps to the higher ground where the Shadow Temple is located. She goes inside the temple and then turns the corner where there is a large gap to cross. She jumps across with ease and then stops in front of the illusory wall.

“The Shadow will yield only to one with the eye of truth, handed down in Kakariko Village.”

Zelda: Who the fuck is talking?
Navi: (Stereotypical Southern U.S accent) I reckon it’s a ghost, partner.
Zelda: Oh Nayru, you’re going with that persona now?
Navi: Yer darn tootin’!
Zelda: Fuck my life.

She goes through the illusory wall, into the next room.

Navi: Hooey! I thank y’all need to jump across to that there platform.
Zelda: Oh, thanks.

She does. She goes through and goes down the slope. There are three rock walls that she can go through.

Zelda: I’m sure some of these are illusions as well.

She goes straight and feels the wall in front, but it’s solid. She goes to the left and it feels solid. She turns around and goes to lean back on the wall, but slips through and falls on her ass.

Zelda: The fuck? I thought it was solid.

She feels around to see that only a small portion the size of a human was illusory.

Zelda: This temple…
Navi: Woah there, missy. You best be careful ‘round these parts.
Zelda: …C’mon.

As she continues on to the rooms ahead, she spots in her peripheral vision a large Skulltula hanging on the ceiling, waiting to descend on her.

Zelda: Is there a Skulltula up there?
Skulltula: …No?
Zelda: Did you really just answer me? Reeeally?

It jumps down and she kills it immediately. As Zelda continues on, she reaches the room with invisible platforms.

Navi: Hooey! Y’all need to jump on that there invisible platform.
Zelda: It’s just me. Y’all is an abbreviated “you all”. And okay.

She jumps onto what seems like air, but is actually a platform.

Zelda: Cool. Now what?
Navi: Left.

Zelda makes another leap of faith, but this time there is no platform and she starts falling.

Zelda: Fuuuuuuuuuu-

Her voice becomes more and more faint until she is gone.

Navi: Oh…my bad.
Zelda: Damn right your bad!

She is now behind Navi.

Navi: ?
Zelda: Farore’s Wind, remember that?
Navi: …Oh.

Zelda goes to the right this time and the platform is there. She makes her way into another room, which looks as if it was once a torture chamber with blood everywhere.

Zelda: And this shit was rated E? How the times have changed.

A Wall Shadow lunges its hand at her chest area. She kills it immediately with a strong kick.

Zelda: Ugh.

The enemy immediately splits into multiple tiny hands that try to do the same thing.

Zelda: Why do all the hands want to grope me?!

She kills them all with her chain and moves on. She is able to make it to the ship.

Zelda: Sweet, the triforce logo on it. I guess that means I gotta play my song.
Navi: Let me tell you what, I’d like to play that there song on muh banjo.
Zelda: Alright, that one wasn’t even remotely funny.

She plays her song and the ship starts moving. A Stalfos appears.

Zelda: (Sarcastically) Oh no, one of these dicks. Whatever shall I do?

The Stalfos charges at her. Before it can use a downward slash at her, she brushes it off by slapping it to the side. It falls off the side of the ship.

Navi: So what’s wrong with this one?
Zelda: It’s not you, Navi.
Navi: You keep telling me that, but what does that even mean?
Zelda: You should really just try to be who you are.
Navi: But I thought no one liked me when I did that.
Zelda: That doesn’t mean you have to be annoying as fuck. Your personality is to help people, not pester the shit out of them for the same thing every thirty or so seconds while telling them information that they probably already know or have finished sifting through by now.
Navi: You really lay it on thick, don’t you?
Zelda: Yeah. I learned the hard way as well to be myself. I let myself get captured by Ganon and played the role of a runaway princess. But I knew that I was every bit qualified to fight alongside Link. It wasn’t until I was forced into an ultra harsh environment that I realized who I really was as a person and gained the confidence in myself.
Navi: Super Smash Bros?
Zelda: Yeah.
Navi: I see. Who I really am, huh?
Zelda: We’re here. Just think about it.

She gets off the ship and crosses the water since the statue is still knocked over. She makes it to the boss room and sees the hole.

Zelda: Hmm…
Navi: Don’t…
Zelda: I’m gonna.
Navi: …Get it over with then.
Zelda: So the surprise is through this hole then? Is the boss a woman, perhaps?
Navi: Feel good?
Zelda: Yes. Now let’s go.

They drop down and see the two giant hands.

Zelda: You know what they say. Huge hands…
Navi: Watch out! The rest of the boss is invisible. You have to hit its eye!
Zelda: Good to know.

Both hands try to squish her by smacking straight down. She dodges each one.

Zelda: Just like Master Hand and Crazy Hand, huh? Fine. I know your weakness.

She takes out her kunai and then cuts the skin between two fingers. We can hear a scream of pain.

Zelda: Hell yeah, extreme paper cut. But that’s not all.

Zelda throws some senbon and they hit its eye, making it visible.

Navi: How did you…?
Zelda: I heard where the sound came from. I figured the eye would be not far above where it makes noise.

She encases her whole arm in magic and then speeds over to the eye and puts her arm straight into the eye. She pulls it out to show that it had been completely bloodied.

Zelda: Well, that’s disgusting, but it’s over at least.

The boss dies quickly after losing its eye. She gets rid of the blood with some magic.

Navi: That was incredible, but very gross.
Zelda: Comes with the territory. But here comes the real fight.

She turns around to see Impa waiting with her arms crossed.

Zelda: It’s been a while since we sparred. But this time, you’re under Ganon’s spell, so you’ll be aiming for my head.

Impa disappears and appears behind Zelda. She kicks, but Zelda turns around and retaliates with a kick of her own. Their legs clash and then they separate. Zelda now goes on the offensive by rapidly punching. Impa dodges each and then grabs her right wrist. She then reprisals with a punch of her own. Zelda leans down, dodging the punch. She puts her remaining hand on the ground to use it as traction to kick Impa to the side of the head. Impa lets go of Zelda’s wrist and slides back a bit.

Zelda: Heh. It’s still your style. But your basic commands are definitely controlled.

Impa charges and performs a spin kick. Zelda retaliates again by kicking herself. Zelda’s kick overpowers Impa’s, and she crashes into the ground hard. Zelda jumps up and spins in the air. She kicks straight down out of the spin, but Impa dodge rolls. When she gets up, they both start to rapidly punch at each other. Their punches get faster and faster until barely visible. Finally, Zelda lands a punch to Impa’s face and then curls her fingers into a typical tiger style position and then uppercuts Impa to the ground.

Zelda: I win. I really have surpassed you physically.

Impa’s body starts to glow with a shadowy aura.

Zelda: The magic of her temple. I won’t allow that.

Zelda grabs Impa and releases the magic in her body by overpowering it with her own aura. She releases the spell.

Impa: Zelda…you did well.
Zelda: Thank you. Rest. I will stop Ganon. I just have one more sage to free.
Impa: Good. You can do it. You are more than capable now.

The blue warp point appears.

Zelda: Ready?
Navi: Ready.

They step into the warp point.

Navi: I’ve been thinking about what you said. You’re right. From now on, I am simply Navi, the helpful.
Zelda: Glad to hear it. ‘Cuz, you know I was getting real tired of your shit. But hey, I don’t hold the triforce of wisdom for nothing.


Chapter End

The Legend of Badass Zelda: The Spirit Temple


Zelda and Navi are now sitting in Hyrule field grass.

Zelda: Not nighttime now, huh, jackass?

Well, It’s not like it would work on you anymore…anyway, Zelda’s energy is steadily restoring itself and she is munching on some deku nuts. Hopefully, they have been cleaned properly.

Zelda: They’re roasted, so all the junk has been removed.
Navi: Who are you talking to?
Zelda: You, of course.
Navi: …Oh.

Zelda crushes one of the nuts in her hand and then eats it.

Zelda: I guess you can say…I busted a nut.
Navi: That’s gross!

But not so unfortunately for Zelda this time, nighttime falls and some bone zombies come out.

Zelda: I’m about to get even grosser.
Navi: Oh no.

She throws one of the deku nuts at one of them and it stuns them.

Zelda: I just nutted on you.

She goes up to the stunned zombie and rips out a bone from its body. She holds it up to her crotch area.

Zelda: Hey, Navi. I got a bo-
Navi: GET ON WITH IT!
Zelda: Okay, fine! Sheesh!

She plays the sun’s song and morning hits, dispersing the zombies. Zelda consequently whacks Navi with the bone.

Zelda: Don’t ever yell at me like that again. You just got boned.
Navi: Hey!
Zelda: What?
Navi: Listen! Has it gotten hotter here in Hyrule?
Zelda: I think so. I guess I shouldn’t abuse the sun’s song so much. I could ruin the ecosystem. But enough of that; next is the desert colossus?
Navi: Yes. We need the lens of truth again…
Zelda: So without that, we have to wander the whole desert to find this temple?
Navi: I guess so.
Zelda: Yeah, fuck that. Fortunately, I remember that teleport song. It’s the only one I remember besides the Temple of Time.
Navi: Well, that’s a relief.

She plays the song and they teleport to the desert colossus. She heads inside the temple.

Zelda: Last temple. Okay, so now where? There seem to be two directions.
Navi: That small hole was for Link when he was younger. He had to get the silver gauntlets to move that big block to the right.
Zelda: Ah. Well, I can’t fit through that thing, but I think I can move this block.
Navi: Really?
Zelda: Yeah.

Zelda walks up to the large block and channels some magic energy into her right palm and then palm strikes it. The block slides forward until it falls into its hole.

Zelda: I’m glad I skipped all that bullshit with the Gerudos. Last time I visited them, I nearly killed them all.
Navi: Wow.
Zelda: Yeah. Bitches were jealous of my swaaaaag.
Navi: What the hell?
Zelda: Okay, that was a little much. I apologize. Let’s keep going.

She keeps going and opens the door. There is a three-door fork.

Navi: Go through the middle one. The other two we did to open up that door and other things we don’t need.
Zelda: Cool. See, NOW you’re being helpful without being annoying.

Zelda heads through the next door when a flying pot hits her directly in the head.

Zelda: Shit…I wasn’t expecting that.

Another one comes and she ducks under it. Just before she can take another step, a Like Like drops down from the ceiling.

Zelda: Ew, one of these things.

She takes out her chain and whips it from long range a few times and it dies. In the next room, she is faced with the mirror with light and the multiple sun faces on the wall.

Zelda: I’m guessing I have to shine light on one of them to open this door.
Navi: Correct.

She shines light on each until the door opens.

Zelda: Bitchin’.

When Zelda reaches the next room, she stands still for a second.

Zelda: This place is huge compared to how it looks from the outside.
Navi: Tell me about it. Head up.

She goes up the few flights of stairs and then sees a switch across a small gap. She jumps across and steps on it. It doesn’t budge.

Navi: We had to use the hammer.
Zelda: Ah, okay. I’ll just kick it then.

She lifts her leg straight up into the air and then axe-kicks straight down, activating the switch. The door at the bottom floor opens up.

Zelda: That worked.
Navi: You’re freaking strong, Zelda. How did Ganondorf ever kidnap you in the past?
Zelda: Plot.
Navi: Makes sense.

Zelda jumps down and goes through the door. Another giant block awaits her, and she does the same thing she did before by palm striking it with some magic. She repeats the process for the next block. She axe-kicks the upcoming switch. Nothing happens.

Navi: I guess it’s not working. Okay, let’s backtrack.

She does and then goes back up the stairs and through the door at the top floor. There are three Anubis waiting for her there.

Navi: They move in synch, make sure to kill them all very quickly.
Zelda: Quick is my style.

In a flash of light, Zelda blitzes each Anubis and cuts them apart with a kunai. The door opens and she goes through it.

Navi: For this switch, you have to make sure something weighted is on top of it.
Zelda: I see. One of those statues will do.

The statue she goes to move attacks her, and Zelda lures it to the switch. The instant it steps on the switch, she speeds to the door and opens it. A few doors later and Zelda is faced by the Iron Knuckle.

Zelda: Ooh, a tougher enemy.

She speeds over to it and lands a palm strike to it without any magic in it. It does little damage and Zelda is forced to dodge backwards when the Iron Knuckle swings its axe.

Zelda: That thing has pretty nice super armor. But it’s nothing I can’t handle.

Zelda gets in close and then waits. When the Iron Knuckle swings its axe again, she ducks and weaves through it. She kicks the axe straight up into the air and it sticks into the ceiling above. She then jumps up and grapples onto its torso with her legs and then charges up magic in both of her hands. The Iron Knuckle is doing everything in its power to get her off, but is making slow progress. Just before it is about to throw her off, Zelda claps its head from both sides with a large amount of magic infused. This smashes its head completely, killing it.

Zelda: Okay. Well, that was close.
Navi: Yeah, I’ll say.

Zelda backtracks a few doors and then heads through a few more to find a room with a Lizalfos.

Zelda: Ah, one of these fuckers.

She quickly defeats it and then goes to the mirror.

Zelda: I think I get it. I need to connect these mirrors and bounce the light around to the room back there.
Navi: Correct again.

She bounces the light between the mirrors and then backtracks one room to see one big mirror with light hitting the ground and a sun face on the wall.

Zelda: Hmm…I don’t have the mirror shield, so I’ll have to use something more creative. Let’s see…ah!

She takes out a makeup tray that has a mirror. She is able to reflect light off it and activate the sun face. The ground below her lowers into the giant room.

Navi: Reflect it to that face.
Zelda: Cool.

She does and then it opens up. She jumps into it and then heads through many doors and through the boss door.

Zelda: All right, which one am I fighting first?

She sees Nabooru ready with two scimitars.

Zelda: Okay. Let’s do this, bitch.

Nabooru charges and starts relentlessly attacking with her scimitars. Zelda narrowly dodges each slash and then blocks the last with Nayru’s Love. Nabooru then starts channeling magic energy into her swords, which put some pressure on the barrier. Zelda dispels the barrier, quick throws Nabooru off balance, and she gets kicked in the jaw and gets sent flying. She gets up after a second.

Zelda: So you’ve gotten a bit tougher, have you? Normally you’d be down after a kick like that.

Nabooru attacks again, but this time Zelda grabs both of her wrists and then grabs her shoulders. She looks at her straight in the eyes and releases the spell.

Nabooru: I’m saved…thank you.
Zelda: Don’t mention it. We may not have been on the best terms, but we are still fellow sages.
Nabooru: Yeah.
Zelda: Just don’t go after Link again. I’ve heard about how you tried to seduce him as a kid. That’s fucking sick.
Nabooru: Who told you?!
Zelda: That fuckin’ owl. He has no filter with what he says, you know.
Nabooru: I see.
Zelda: Anyway, go to the Chamber of Sages. I’ll be there shortly. I’m on clean up duty here.
Nabooru: Okay.

Nabooru leaves. Shortly after, the Twinrova appear, already fused together and laughing.

Twinrova: Zelda, you came to the wrong place. We’ll put you back in Hyrule Castle.
Zelda: I’ve been waiting for a magic battle with you assholes. I see you came fused already. Give me your best shot.

The Twinrova put together a giant fire and ice beam and launch it at Zelda. She activates Nayru’s love and pushes back. They struggle against each other, but Zelda’s barrier reflects the beam back. It damages them severely.

Twinrova: No! That can’t be!
Zelda: Another easy temple bites the dust.

Zelda appears in front of them and lands a supercharged magic punch to the stomach. They explode and die.

Navi: That was awesome!
Zelda: Yeah, well time is of the essence. I fear that Ganon has become very powerful after all the time he’s had with draining all the other sages besides Pent and myself.

The warp point appears and so does the heart. Zelda heals with the heart and gets ready to step into the warp point.

Zelda: You ready?
Navi: Yeah.

She steps into the warp portal and they warp away. They land in the desert colossus.

Navi: Are we going to the Chamber of Sages now?
Zelda: Yes. They will know where Ganon is hiding and I might need the rest of their power in order to win. Let’s go.

Zelda uses Farore’s Wind with Navi on her shoulder and they teleport away.


Chapter End

The Legend of Badass Zelda: The Final Battle


We go to the chamber of sages where each sage is except for Zelda. They are on different seats that are in a circle. Suddenly, Zelda appears with Navi on her shoulder.

Zelda: Good, everyone’s here.
Impa: Welcome back, Zelda.
Zelda: Thanks, Impa. We’re short on time; so let’s get down to business and quickly.

She sits down in her seat. It is the largest and most prestigious looking seat, signifying her as the leader of the sages.

Pent: So this is what a sage meeting looks like.
Zelda: What are you still doing here? You know your kids are having major trouble with King Zephiel, right?
Pent: Say, what? That little brat turned out like that?
Zelda: He killed Hector, dude. Where have you been?
Pent: That ungrateful little shit.
Rauru: What happened to getting down to business quickly?
Zelda: Right. So, anyway, I’m going after Ganondorf. I’m going to need your help.
Darunia: We will fight with you, Princess!
Zelda: That’s not what I meant exactly. If you come with me, you might get captured again, and then he will feed off your power more.
Ruto: So then, you suggest transferring our powers to you.
Zelda: It’s the only chance we have. Ganon has two triforce pieces in his possession as well as all the power he sapped from six of you. Who knows how much power he obtained from Link.
Nabooru: We’re normally not supposed to do this as you know, but I guess it is an emergency situation.
Saria: Ganondorf is holed up in a pocket dimension. At least, that is as much as I know from when I was being controlled.
Nabooru: No, he is still there. I was the last one freed.
Impa: We will open up the portal. We should be able to do that much after being there.

The sages stand up and Zelda puts out her hand. The others place their hands on hers and give her the majority of their power as energy of all color begins to flow into her body.

Impa: Okay, we’ll use the rest of our magic to open the portal. Sync it with your Farore’s Wind.
Zelda: Will do. Though this would be easier if we had a Warp staff from Fire Emblem. Pent?
Pent: Sorry, I didn’t think I’d need one. I have a Physic though.
Zelda: I’ll pass. Okay, you ready, Navi?
Navi: As ready as I’ll ever be.
Zelda: That’s the spirit.

She teleports through the portal opened up by the sages.

Impa: You’re our only hope now.

We get a good view of this pocket dimension. It seems to be a blur of purple all around with some other various colors mixed in. Zelda appears and it looks like she is standing on nothing.

Zelda: Woah. Cool.
Voice: So you’ve come.

She turns around and looks to see a red carpet a few meters away that leads to a throne. Ganondorf is sitting on the throne, hunched to the side and leaning his face on his fist as his arm sits upright on the armrest. He lets out his usual evil laugh.

Ganon: The sages are quite intelligent to be able to open up a portal here.
Zelda: How did you find an empty pocket dimension?
Ganon: When I was sent back from Super Smash Bros. Melee, I ended up here. It must have been a problem with the inter-universal magic.
Zelda: Oh, I see. Well, I have to admit, it’s kinda cool.
Ganon: Thanks.
Zelda: But anyway, I’m going to kick your ass…(under her breath) and maybe take this dimension for a hideout.
Ganon: You can try if you like, but the fact of the matter is that I have two triforce pieces and you only have one.
Zelda: Why does that sound familiar? Oh yeah, you said the same thing before you got your shit wrecked by Link.
Ganon: That was then. Now I have even more power this time. Oh, speaking of your hero…

He points behind him. Zelda moves to the side to change her point of view and sees Link chained to the invisible ground and gagged.

Navi: LINK!
Zelda: Oh, there you are.
Ganon: You’re not even the least bit concerned about him?
Zelda: Nah, I’m sure he’s fine. Don’t worry, Link, it gets easier the more times it happens.
Ganon: What do you think you can do to me? I’ve kidnapped you countless times. What makes you think I won’t just do it again?
Zelda: That was then. Now I have even more power this time.
Ganon: Cheeky bitch.
Zelda: Let’s go then. I’ll show you just how far I’ve come since last time. …Hehe.
Navi: Seriously? You’re thinking dirty NOW?!
Zelda: Can’t help it.

Zelda disappears and reappears in front of Ganon. She throws a punch, but it does little to no damage to him. Ganon throws a punch of his own, but Zelda dodges with ease, as his punch is much slower than her own. She then kicks high and it hits his jaw. He stumbles back a few steps and Zelda follows up by charging some magic into her fist. Just before she punches, she notices that Ganon has already charged his wizard punch and unleashes it on Zelda. She quickly withdraws and jumps back, surprised.

Zelda: You can instantly charge your wizard punch now? Impressive. Let’s test the limits of that.

She speeds back into close quarters again and punches. Ganon surprisingly sidesteps this and Zelda over pursues her target, throwing her off balance. Ganon has his wizard punch ready again.

Ganon: Don’t think I’m as slow as I once was.

He releases his punch at an even faster speed than before, forcing Zelda to put up Nayru’s Love instinctively. The punch shatters the barrier and lands to Zelda face, sending her crashing into the ground. No dust kicks up from this invisible ground, however. She stands up and rubs her face.

Zelda: My beautiful face. You bastard. If that punch had landed directly, I could have been in some serious trouble.
Ganon: I’m surprised that she survived that. Her barrier took a lot out of that punch.
Zelda: It’s not over yet!

Zelda jumps right back into the fight and starts rapidly punching. Ganon blocks each punch with his hands. Finally, Zelda charges a lot of magic into her right leg and lands a hard kick to Ganon’s stomach. She pushes against him and finally sends him crashing right into his throne, breaking it in half. Ganondorf is slumped back against this broken throne with his head hanging back over it. Link looks at Ganondorf with surprise. He had never seen Zelda this strong.

Zelda: You’ve been dethroned, asshole!
Ganon: Are you happy that you broke my throne?

He stands up, smiling.

Ganon: I’ll just take yours when I’m finished with you.
Zelda: Are you so confident that you can win this?
Ganon: Of course I am. I am the King of Evil. Someone like you could never stand up to me.
Zelda: If you are the King of Evil, then I am the Queen of Light. Alright, fuck that. That was too cheesy. But anyway, the point is…

She starts to power up and the white magic energy surrounds her again like it has in some past battles.

Zelda: You won’t bother Hyrule anymore. Not while I’m still breathing!

Zelda speed blitzes Ganondorf and lands a punch to his stomach. This punch hurts him more than before and then Zelda jumps up and kicks him on the side of his face. Ganon stumbles back and then Zelda charges up a massive amount of magic energy into her right leg and then kicks. Just before it lands, Ganon instantly powers up as well and blocks the kick, though he is still sent to the ground. Ganon stands up and brushes himself off while he has a dark aura surrounding him.

Ganon: You…you’ve forced me to use the power I stole from the sages. You’ll regret that.
Zelda: We’ll see!

They charge at each other and start punching rapidly at each other. They seem to be evenly matched with each punch, but Ganon’s punches start to push Zelda’s back with superior strength. Finally, Zelda’s guard is broken and Ganon lands an enhanced wizard punch to her stomach, which is just barely softened by Nayru’s Love. Zelda gets sent flying around twenty meters and then finally hits the ground. When she stands up, her clothes in that area have been ripped and she is bleeding in the lower torso area. Her ponytail has been undone as well. Ganon follows her and stops a few feet away.

Ganon: You can’t beat me, Zelda. I’ve obtained too much power.
Zelda: You’ve combined the power you stole into your own in order to improve your strength. Clever.
Ganon: Indeed.
Zelda: But there’s something you missed. The sages’ true power doesn’t rely on the power of their magic.
Ganon: Oh?
Zelda: That’s right.

She powers up again and surrounds herself with the white aura.

Zelda: I’ll show you…what a real sage looks like.

Her aura turns green and her wounds begin to heal rapidly.

Ganon: This is…!
Zelda: Power of the Forest.

Ganondorf attacks her with another wizard punch, but Zelda dodges it with relative ease. All of the sudden, she multiplies into four as her aura turns into a sand type of color.

Zelda: Power of the Desert.

Ganon attacks one of them, but it was a desert mirage. He then receives a strong kick to his back that sends him face forward to the ground. He catches himself with his hands and is able to somersault to his feet. When he turns around, Zelda is nowhere to be seen. He looks around, but cannot find her. Suddenly, he receives a hit to the face and stumbles back. He receives five more strong punches to the stomach and then Zelda appears in front of him and lands another hard kick to his jaw.

Zelda: Power of Shadow! And now, Din’s Fire enhanced by Power of Fire!

Zelda twirls her hands in front of each other, her aura changes to red and then unleashes a firestorm on him, giving him severe burns. Ganon gets very angry and charges at Zelda. He begins rapidly punching with wizard punch in both fists. Zelda dodges each one but then receives a kick to her torso. She is sent flying a little far, but backflips and lands on her feet, sliding back a little more. Her aura turns to blue.

Zelda: Power of Water.

She summons a large amount of water from thin air seemingly and it encases Ganondorf, trapping him in a giant bubble. Her aura then changes again to purple.

Zelda: Thunder!

A lightning bolt pierces the water bubble and shocks him, stunning him when the bubble breaks. The water remains on the ground around him, however.

Zelda: Fimbulvetr!

She lets out the icy winds of Fimbulvetr, which freezes all the water around him and on him, making him stiff as a rock.

Zelda: That’s the Power of Anima.

Ganon breaks out of the ice and starts charging again. Zelda uses Elfire next, which lands and creates a large pillar of fire around him. Ganon breaks through that as well with more burns. He punches out of anger and frustration, but Zelda is able to block it entirely with Nayru’s Love.

Ganon: What?!
Zelda: I told you, you won’t bother Hyrule anymore!

Zelda punches Ganon away a few feet and then draws her bow. A light arrow appears. Her aura then changes to a gold color and her light arrow intensifies.

Zelda: Power of Light!

She shoots the arrow and it pierces through Ganon’s chest, where his heart would be. He is stunned and drops to his knees. Zelda walks slowly towards Ganon, as he looks in shock and awe of her.

Ganon: No, you can’t!

Zelda begins charging up an enormous amount of magic and her aura rapidly flashes between the different colors.

Zelda: Now, it’s time for the power that only the true leader of the sages can possess. When all of the sages combine powers, it becomes…Power of Hyrule!

Her aura eventually disappears when everything is channeled into her fist. The aura becomes an even brighter and intense white, to the point where her fist is barely visible. Ganon trembles at this raw power.

Ganon: You can’t seal me away again!
Zelda: No, Ganondorf. Not this time.

Ganon realizes what Zelda is implying and tries to move, but the light arrow coupled with all the damage he had taken took would not allow it. The amount of magic energy he expelled as well had taken its toll. There was no dodging or blocking this one. In that instant, he knew that his time was here. Zelda stops just in front of Ganondorf for a second.

Zelda: See ya later, Ganondouche.

She brings her fist down on Ganon’s head and the white magic explodes on contact. The whole dimension is filled with this bright white light. Link closes his eyes and it is implied that Navi has done the same. Many indistinguishable noises fill the area as well. Finally, when the light has subsided, we can see that Ganondorf has been completely eradicated. Zelda is breathing extremely heavy and then drops to her knees and holds herself up with her hands.

Zelda: (Struggling) It’s…finally finished.

Navi flies over to Zelda.

Navi: Are you okay?
Zelda: Yeah. I just used up everything I had in that last attack.
Navi: You did it!
Zelda: Hehe. No problem.

She stands up and wobbles over to Link, sitting next to him. She ungags him.

Link: Hyaa!
Zelda: I know. I’m awesome. And I missed you too.
Navi: You can understand him?!
Zelda: More or less.
Link: Haaaah!
Zelda: But Link, I can’t get you out of these chains till my powers return.

Zelda looks at Link with an evil smile.

Link: UH!
Zelda: Oh, stop your whining. We’re trying something new, is all.
Navi: I don’t even want to know.


To Be Concluded!

The Legend of Badass Zelda: Epilogue


About a half-hour has passed and Zelda has mustered enough power to break the chains binding Link. They stand up together and look over to where Ganon was eradicated to see the Master Sword lying there. Link has an oddly satisfied look on his face even before seeing his weapon again.

Navi: Look, Link! The Master Sword!
Link : Hyah!
Zelda: Ganon must have absorbed the Master Sword somehow and gained some of its powers. He was obsessed with power.
Navi: Had you noticed that earlier, we could have freed Link much sooner.
Zelda: Hey, shut up. I had to take advantage of the situation.
Navi: You mean you noticed it?!
Zelda: Yeah, kinda.
Navi: Wow. By the way, I definitely didn’t look at all.
Link: Hyaaaah!
Zelda: Alright already. We’ll go home. I think I have just enough to get us back.

She uses Farore’s Wind and teleports them all to Hyrule Field. But unfortunately for them…

Zelda: You had to do it one more time, didn’t you?

It was nighttime and a bunch of zombies go after them. Zelda hands the Ocarina of Time back to Link.

Zelda: You can have it back. Just don’t lose it again.

Link plays the Sun’s Song and the sun comes up, dispersing the zombies. Later that day, Zelda is back in her usual dress and stands in front of the king.

King: Zelda, I don’t know what to say. You defeated Ganondorf, saved the sages and the Hero of Time.
Zelda: I thought you didn’t know what to say.
King: You’ve done far more than a princess should have to do for her land.
Zelda: Hyrule is my home. I’m not just the princess. I am a Sheikah and the leader of the sages. My role has become more than just the heir to the throne. I realize that now. And I do it all with style, so it’s cool.
King: I misjudged you. Your time away from Hyrule was really beneficial. But I digress. The people are waiting for you.
Zelda: Right.

She goes out to the security gate where people are waiting for her to give a speech. When they see her approach, they start murmuring that she’s coming.

Man 1: I LOVE YOU, PRINCESS!
Zelda: Thank you, random person.
Man 2: Is it true that Ganondorf is dead?
Man 3: What are your plans for Hyrule now?
Kid: Are you my mommy?
Zelda: Anything’s possible, kid. And yes, it is true that Ganon is dead. I kicked his fucking ass!

The group quiets down. Zelda’s face turns from satisfied to disappointed.

Zelda: Okay, so maybe you guys aren’t ready for that language yet. Anyway, now that the King of Evil is dead, we can work on growing in times of peace. But meanwhile, I have many things to do.
Man 3: What kind of things, Princess?
Zelda: Well, I have to go do some photo shoots. Like hell am I going to let a Mario character show me up. I also need to repair my harp until we can invest in making an electric guitar. My metal career isn’t going to start itself. Lastly, there are things that need to be taught to our Hero of Time in times of peace.
Man 2: Like what?
Zelda: …A lot of sword tricks.
Man 3: Will we receive a demonstration when it’s done?
Zelda: Trust me…not a good idea.
Man 4: But Princess, what will you do with helping out the everyday citizen of Hyrule?
Zelda: Oh, that? Go bother my dad for that kind of stuff. Speaking of my dad, I wonder what’s for dinner?
Man 4: Why are you worrying about your next meal when there are many people starving in Gerudo Desert?
Zelda: Because if the princess doesn’t eat, she doesn’t recover her full strength. If she doesn’t recover her full strength, she can’t save all your lazy asses if you get into trouble.
Man 3: What about Link?
Zelda: Oh yeah, he has to eat too. Anyway, later dudes.

The crowd is legitimately confused as Zelda leaves.

Man 2: I thought we were supposed to get a speech.
Man 1: Who cares about that?! She talked to me, guys!

About an hour later, Pent is seen in the throne room with Zelda.

Zelda: So, how did everything go?
Pent: Apparently they took care of everything by themselves. I wasn’t even needed.
Zelda: But you know you could have prevented the whole thing, right?
Pent: Probably, but what can I can do about it now?
Zelda: I guess you’re right.
Pent: Anyway, I should probably go back and train my daughter properly. Still can’t believe Klein turned out to be a sniper.
Zelda: That’s rough man. They both have blonde hair too. At least we know Klein’s yours though.
Pent: What the hell?
Zelda: Just kidding. It was good having you around. Your sage position is yours to keep.
Pent: Thanks, take care.

Later, Zelda is in her room when she hears a ding noise.

Zelda: Ah!

She goes to NIM (Nintendo Instant Messenger).

ZomgItsPeach: Zelda!!!!!11
DefinitelyNotZelda: Yo, Peach.
ZamusFoLyfe: BABY GURL!
DefinitelyNotZelda: You’re here too, Samus? It’s been a while.
ZomgItsPeach: so did u rescue link
DefinitelyNotZelda: Yeah. Hang on.

Within a minute, Zelda sends a picture file to them. The picture shows Zelda with her thumb pointed behind her with Link chained up against the wall.

ZamusFoLyfe: LOL
ZomgItsPeach: id do that wth mario but hed break the wall lel
DefinitelyNotZelda: I can see the appeal now, Samus. Though I’m considering releasing him and making him fight for it this time.
ZamusFoLyfe: I bet. Why don’t you bring him to my place once in a while?
DefinitelyNotZelda: Bitch you got dudes lined up waiting for you.
ZamusFoLyfe: Yeah, but Link is way better than all these assholes.
DefinitelyNotZelda: Why don’t you try hooking up with Marth?
ZamusFoLyfe: Good idea! That’s what’s up!
ZomgItsPeach: lol ill trade u guys mario is at another galaxy right now i think hes cheating on me with that rosalina bitch
Link: Hyah!
DefinitelyNotZelda: Link says that Mario would never do that to you.
Zelda: Hey, wait, you can read from there? You have good eyes.
Link: Heeeyah!
DefinitelyNotZelda: Haha, Link just called you a sexist bitch.
ZomgItsPeach: wuuuuuuuuuttttt
Link: Hyah!
Zelda: I know what you actually said. I just like messing with her.
ZamusFoLyfe: Link is such a bad boy. Tell him I said hi.

Link looks pretty happy and when Zelda turns around, he changes his face up and starts shaking his head.

Zelda: That’s what I thought.
DefinitelyNotZelda: Alright, girls. I have to go. My duties as princess can’t wait.
ZamusFoLyfe: See you soon.
ZomgItsPeach: bye

She logs off and turns to Link.

Zelda: Haha, princess duties. As if.
Link: Hyah?
Zelda: Yeah, sure. Let’s go grab lunch somewhere.
Navi: Hey!
Zelda: What? Hey, wait. You’re still here?
Navi: Listen! They just opened up a new restaurant in the castle area in your honor.
Zelda: Oh, bitchin’. See, now that’s what I’m talking about, Navi.
Navi: Hell yeah, Sister.

Zelda puts up her hand and Navi crashes into it lightly like a high five. Link looks confused and annoyed.

Link: Seyah!
Zelda: He says, “Why couldn’t you be cool when you were with me?”
Navi: I’m sorry!
Zelda: Sorry, Link. I guess you couldn’t communicate your feelings well enough.
Link: Eya!
Zelda: I know, low blow. My bad. Though how hard can it really be to learn the language?

Just then, Zelda’s door is knocked on.

Zelda: Who is it?
King’s Voice: It’s me. (Sternly) Zelda, did you call a bunch of Hyrule citizens “lazy asses”? And you told them to bother ME?
Zelda: Yeah…?
King’s Voice: Get out here right now!
Zelda: Oh, that reminds me, I have a present for you.

Link opens the door and then we look from the king’s perspective. As the door opens, we see Zelda holding up two middle fingers at him and then Link closes the door.

Zelda: Let’s bounce!

The three of them head towards a door in her room that leads to a balcony. Zelda opens it. Meanwhile the king opens the door and tries to get into the room, but he bounces off a barrier.

King: A barrier?! I can’t get in! ZELDAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Zelda, Link and Navi get onto the balcony and Zelda grabs Link’s hand while Navi rests on her shoulder. She jumps off the balcony, pulling Link down with her. Link and Navi are yelling out while Zelda is laughing. When they get close to the ground, Zelda teleports them away with Farore’s Wind.


End