Dragon Soul Discussion

Two spelling things that caught me at the end. Bolded

Quote :

Just then a colossal amount of energy is seen bursting out from where Fang and Paw were laying. They are seen standing up with their armor slightly damaged and their faces all dirty. They look piss off.

Fang: YOU FOOLS HAVE MADE US ANGRY! YOU WILL KNOW TRUE DISPARE! WE HAVE JUST BEEN PLAYING AROUND WITH YOU FOOLS, BUT NO MORE! THE FUN AND GAMES ARE OVER AND YOU WILL WISH THAT YOU WERE NEVER BORN!

Wasn't specifically looking for spelling errors, but they jumped out at the end.

So Ramsay got Super Saiyan (or something of that nature) as a result of a stabilized and lighter version of Nightmare. Okay, not really a lot I can say about that. Though you gave him a healing ability, so it's not quite the same. The fight is going well so far.

As you know nightmare mode made Ramsey look like nightmare luffy. I wanted it to have a light theme when he controlled it to make it more positive. I need another really muscular looking form that could represent light, and super sayian broly is what came to mind. It obviously isn't super sayian since sayians aren't in this fic, and it doesn't have the same power level cause it would be way too early to have them at that level yet.

So Mara and Ramsay have been soundly beaten. What's more is that everything went according to keikakku with Tiger luring them out. And herein lies one of the classic mistakes that villains tend to make and that's not checking for a dead body. Good chapter. At this point Mara should be playing a guessing game as to where she's going to wake up next. XD

It's a classic mistake for a reason. Heroes would lose a lot more if the villains checked for dead bodies. Also what's keikakku and what do you mean guessing game as to where she's going to wake up next?

Meaning that she falls unconscious quite a bit and so when she wakes up, she could be guessing where she wakes up next. It was another joke.

I like how you incorporated the return of the agents, as well as some quick exposition on each of them. If Ramsay can absorb the orb, he might be able to take on Younger Toguro the tiger. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

The Good:

-The idea of an inter-dimensional prison was good.
-Mara's training snit is over with.
-https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=GXw7r6c5aFk#t=36 (If time doesn't redirect, 36 seconds


The Not as Good:

-I think there were too many characters from other franchises with focus that diminished Mara's role in the story. As a result, we also got much less of each character instead of having a few key people that are there to strengthen Mara as a main. Zephyria was really the only character in general that did that. Most of the crossover characters seemed to be there for fanservice. Fanservice isn't necessarily bad, but it usually shouldn't be the sole purpose for something or someone's existence (there are exceptions where it can work).

Other than that, it was interesting. The dedication at the end was nice. Thanks for that.

I started with only a few characters in mind, but then things got out of hand because I didn't want to leave certain series. Gerlo, Starjun, and Gray were there for my biggest fan you but as for everyone else I just felt were need to fulfill some inner desire to showcase to people what anime I have seen. As for Zephyria, you know what she is from and was put in as a sort of test of character. It is to be noted that this was my first test writing of her but also that this isn't the final product of who she is as a character. Also this movie as you know is cannon to the series, but it will also be cannon to the other story. She didn't say it but she was taken during her training that she was doing during the time skip. As for Greil, he was put in after AZX told me about the comparison that you guys made between you and your dad. Finally, I hope you at least got most of the references and now understand what I meant by it starting out as a Christmas special.

Oh, so Zephyria is supposed to be the main for the other fic you have in mind? Now that is something else to add to the good list.

Yeah, as I was reading, I kind of picked up the sense of the anime fan mode activating. The cameos were pretty okay, but I think for the main focus maybe two side kicks for Mara would have been the ideal number. Even if you wanted to bump it up to four, you could also have separated it into two stories: Mara's and Zephyria's (For the future fic). For instance, Mara has two anime character sidekicks (i.e Gray and Toph) for the majority of the film and Zephyria has two (say Starjun and Kid), and then when you see both sides of the story, you see more of the characters having focus without it being too overwhelming and at the same time see a complete picture out of two smaller complete pictures (if that makes any sense).

Just some thoughts if you plan to do anything similar in the future.

The crowd cheers. An athlete, a coach, and a judge from London go onto the podium and start reciting the Olympic Oath. They finish and the crowd begins to cheer loudly. We Mara smile ever so slightly with a hint of concern.

I would have laughed if during the surrender part if France immediately did so before anyone even had a chance to process it. You set yourself up for a historical joke there, but then again that is also some pretty crude European humor right there.

Fight sequencing was good. The teamwork between Fang and Paw was written effectively. I did not expect Mara to lose (at least for now) this quickly in this part of the arc, so that was a good twist. A guardian angel, huh? I guess I'll have to wait and see what he is about.

I had a strong feeling that the guardian angel was Ramsay, and I was right it seems.

And Paw actually does talk. Cool.

Fighting is decent to good so far. Not much else I can say about this chapter unfortunately.