CV Fan Fic Discussion

change of plans I'm going to work on the fanfic involving members of the site sooner than later. I'll start that first instead of the new one I was going to start. The name of the fic is called Feudal and will have a preview later today

Alright then. Look forward to it.

Technically wouldn't Zero have been able to draw his sword in the time it took to say "Zero: (No time to draw my blade. Have to think of something else.)". I also feel we should of had some kind of back story into either how Ryo family died, or how Ryo found them dead.

I suppose it is just a preview chapter, but these was a few points I felt should of been touched on. Otherwise seems like nice work.

justinlynch3 wrote:

Technically wouldn't Zero have been able to draw his sword in the time it took to say "Zero: (No time to draw my blade. Have to think of something else.)". I also feel we should of had some kind of back story into either how Ryo family died, or how Ryo found them dead.

I suppose it is just a preview chapter, but these was a few points I felt should of been touched on. Otherwise seems like nice work.

Ryo background is yet to be completed. It goes into detail further on in the series. All will be explained, as for Zero he really didn't have enough time. Zero thinks a lot faster than he acts. It was more of a split decision sort of thing.

He's supposed to be named Strider, remember? You can fix that easy in notepad or something with find/replace.

Strider Zero wrote:

He's supposed to be named Strider, remember? You can fix that easy in notepad or something with find/replace.

His first name is strider but I thought it would sound better if you were getting called Zero in this ep. Especially with the war going on just out of a sign of respect, with you being in the military. I can change it if you want though.

Well I want him to be consistently called Strider in the script, but I don't mind people calling him Zero like that if that's going to be his last name (which is cool).

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

Technically wouldn't Zero have been able to draw his sword in the time it took to say "Zero: (No time to draw my blade. Have to think of something else.)". I also feel we should of had some kind of back story into either how Ryo family died, or how Ryo found them dead.

I suppose it is just a preview chapter, but these was a few points I felt should of been touched on. Otherwise seems like nice work.

Ryo background is yet to be completed. It goes into detail further on in the series. All will be explained, as for Zero he really didn't have enough time. Zero thinks a lot faster than he acts. It was more of a split decision sort of thing.

I see. Then it's better if Zero (or Strider as it was meant to be) would of reacted first, then thought a quick line afterward. When you does the line first you give the impression there is time that could of been taken advantage of.

Strider Zero wrote:

Well I want him to be consistently called Strider in the script, but I don't mind people calling him Zero like that if that's going to be his last name (which is cool).

ok

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

Technically wouldn't Zero have been able to draw his sword in the time it took to say "Zero: (No time to draw my blade. Have to think of something else.)". I also feel we should of had some kind of back story into either how Ryo family died, or how Ryo found them dead.

I suppose it is just a preview chapter, but these was a few points I felt should of been touched on. Otherwise seems like nice work.

Ryo background is yet to be completed. It goes into detail further on in the series. All will be explained, as for Zero he really didn't have enough time. Zero thinks a lot faster than he acts. It was more of a split decision sort of thing.

I see. Then it's better if Zero (or Strider as it was meant to be) would of reacted first, then thought a quick line

afterward. When you does the line first you give the impression there is time that could of been taken advantage of.

Oh really I thought if I have him think first it gives off the impression that he thinks faster than he reacts. Since Ryo was coming at him and he wasn't prepared because Zero doesn't want to fight him. He had a split second to think of something and it's faster for him to use his ice powers and make a sword then draw his sword out and block the attack.

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

Technically wouldn't Zero have been able to draw his sword in the time it took to say "Zero: (No time to draw my blade. Have to think of something else.)". I also feel we should of had some kind of back story into either how Ryo family died, or how Ryo found them dead.

I suppose it is just a preview chapter, but these was a few points I felt should of been touched on. Otherwise seems like nice work.

Ryo background is yet to be completed. It goes into detail further on in the series. All will be explained, as for Zero he really didn't have enough time. Zero thinks a lot faster than he acts. It was more of a split decision sort of thing.

I see. Then it's better if Zero (or Strider as it was meant to be) would of reacted first, then thought a quick line

afterward. When you does the line first you give the impression there is time that could of been taken advantage of.

Oh really I thought if I have him think first it gives off the impression that he thinks faster than he reacts. Since Ryo was coming at him and he wasn't prepared because Zero doesn't want to fight him. He had a split second to think of something and it's faster for him to use his ice powers and make a sword then draw his sword out and block the attack.

Yea that wasn't the impression it gave off, at least to me. I think a very quick line like a word or two would work, but a full train of thought is to much. Like if Strider blocked first then said something along the lines of "I barely blocked that. Good thing I can create a weapon from ice faster then I can retrieve my sword." Something like that would of got across the same point, that Strider thinks quick on his feet, but would of also made more sense.

See what I'm saying.

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

Technically wouldn't Zero have been able to draw his sword in the time it took to say "Zero: (No time to draw my blade. Have to think of something else.)". I also feel we should of had some kind of back story into either how Ryo family died, or how Ryo found them dead.

I suppose it is just a preview chapter, but these was a few points I felt should of been touched on. Otherwise seems like nice work.

Ryo background is yet to be completed. It goes into detail further on in the series. All will be explained, as for Zero he really didn't have enough time. Zero thinks a lot faster than he acts. It was more of a split decision sort of thing.

I see. Then it's better if Zero (or Strider as it was meant to be) would of reacted first, then thought a quick line

afterward. When you does the line first you give the impression there is time that could of been taken advantage of.

Oh really I thought if I have him think first it gives off the impression that he thinks faster than he reacts. Since Ryo was coming at him and he wasn't prepared because Zero doesn't want to fight him. He had a split second to think of something and it's faster for him to use his ice powers and make a sword then draw his sword out and block the attack.

Yea that wasn't the impression it gave off, at least to me. I think a very quick line like a word or two would work, but a full train of thought is to much. Like if Strider blocked first then said something along the lines of "I barely blocked that. Good thing I can create a weapon from ice faster then I can retrieve my sword." Something like that would of got across the same point, that Strider thinks quick on his feet, but would of also made more sense.

See what I'm saying.

I can see what your saying but it was really a split second decision. He was already moving towards him it was more of I have to think of something or it's over. That's why stated he was charging at him. I was hoping you would get the impression of him thinking fast instead of him not having enough time.

It's kind of like in basketball with the last 5 seconds to shoot. (Might be a bad example since your not big on sports, but its like that.)

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

Technically wouldn't Zero have been able to draw his sword in the time it took to say "Zero: (No time to draw my blade. Have to think of something else.)". I also feel we should of had some kind of back story into either how Ryo family died, or how Ryo found them dead.

I suppose it is just a preview chapter, but these was a few points I felt should of been touched on. Otherwise seems like nice work.

Ryo background is yet to be completed. It goes into detail further on in the series. All will be explained, as for Zero he really didn't have enough time. Zero thinks a lot faster than he acts. It was more of a split decision sort of thing.

I see. Then it's better if Zero (or Strider as it was meant to be) would of reacted first, then thought a quick line

afterward. When you does the line first you give the impression there is time that could of been taken advantage of.

Oh really I thought if I have him think first it gives off the impression that he thinks faster than he reacts. Since Ryo was coming at him and he wasn't prepared because Zero doesn't want to fight him. He had a split second to think of something and it's faster for him to use his ice powers and make a sword then draw his sword out and block the attack.

Yea that wasn't the impression it gave off, at least to me. I think a very quick line like a word or two would work, but a full train of thought is to much. Like if Strider blocked first then said something along the lines of "I barely blocked that. Good thing I can create a weapon from ice faster then I can retrieve my sword." Something like that would of got across the same point, that Strider thinks quick on his feet, but would of also made more sense.

See what I'm saying.

I can see what your saying but it was really a split second decision. He was already moving towards him it was more of I have to think of something or it's over. That's why stated he was charging at him. I was hoping you would get the impression of him thinking fast instead of him not having enough time.

It's kind of like in basketball with the last 5 seconds to shoot. (Might be a bad example since your not big on sports, but its like that.)

Only thing is, "charging at him" doesn't equal last second. There could of been a little distance between Strider and Ryo which gave Strider time to think. When you do it the other way around by doing the motions before the thoughts, you eliminate any possibility of confusion as it would be shown that Strider barely blocked at the last second. And as I said above, you still put across the same point that Strider thinks fast on his feet.

It's just generally a better way at getting the message across.

Fyi I'm not trying to call you out on doing something wrong, I'm just trying to give some constructive criticism on how to organize some events better.

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

Technically wouldn't Zero have been able to draw his sword in the time it took to say "Zero: (No time to draw my blade. Have to think of something else.)". I also feel we should of had some kind of back story into either how Ryo family died, or how Ryo found them dead.

I suppose it is just a preview chapter, but these was a few points I felt should of been touched on. Otherwise seems like nice work.

Ryo background is yet to be completed. It goes into detail further on in the series. All will be explained, as for Zero he really didn't have enough time. Zero thinks a lot faster than he acts. It was more of a split decision sort of thing.

I see. Then it's better if Zero (or Strider as it was meant to be) would of reacted first, then thought a quick line

afterward. When you does the line first you give the impression there is time that could of been taken advantage of.

Oh really I thought if I have him think first it gives off the impression that he thinks faster than he reacts. Since Ryo was coming at him and he wasn't prepared because Zero doesn't want to fight him. He had a split second to think of something and it's faster for him to use his ice powers and make a sword then draw his sword out and block the attack.

Yea that wasn't the impression it gave off, at least to me. I think a very quick line like a word or two would work, but a full train of thought is to much. Like if Strider blocked first then said something along the lines of "I barely blocked that. Good thing I can create a weapon from ice faster then I can retrieve my sword." Something like that would of got across the same point, that Strider thinks quick on his feet, but would of also made more sense.

See what I'm saying.

I can see what your saying but it was really a split second decision. He was already moving towards him it was more of I have to think of something or it's over. That's why stated he was charging at him. I was hoping you would get the impression of him thinking fast instead of him not having enough time.

It's kind of like in basketball with the last 5 seconds to shoot. (Might be a bad example since your not big on sports, but its like that.)

Only thing is, "charging at him" doesn't equal last second. There could of been a little distance between Strider and Ryo which gave Strider time to think. When you do it the other way around by doing the motions before the thoughts, you eliminate any possibility of confusion as it would be shown that Strider barely blocked at the last second. And as I said above, you still put across the same point that Strider thinks fast on his feet.

It's just generally a better way at getting the message across.

Fyi I'm not trying to call you out on doing something wrong, I'm just trying to give some constructive criticism on how to organize some events better.

I know your not, I'm just trying to explain how it was. I'm fine with the criticism because I rather someone be honest and tell me what they think.

The reason I didn't give the motion first was because I don't like them thinking about a past event in the battle. I rather explain their train of thought before their motion. Hence the charging at him, and I have no time to draw my blade have to think of something.

So I think we probably have 2 different styles when it comes to explaining how something goes.

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

Technically wouldn't Zero have been able to draw his sword in the time it took to say "Zero: (No time to draw my blade. Have to think of something else.)". I also feel we should of had some kind of back story into either how Ryo family died, or how Ryo found them dead.

I suppose it is just a preview chapter, but these was a few points I felt should of been touched on. Otherwise seems like nice work.

Ryo background is yet to be completed. It goes into detail further on in the series. All will be explained, as for Zero he really didn't have enough time. Zero thinks a lot faster than he acts. It was more of a split decision sort of thing.

I see. Then it's better if Zero (or Strider as it was meant to be) would of reacted first, then thought a quick line

afterward. When you does the line first you give the impression there is time that could of been taken advantage of.

Oh really I thought if I have him think first it gives off the impression that he thinks faster than he reacts. Since Ryo was coming at him and he wasn't prepared because Zero doesn't want to fight him. He had a split second to think of something and it's faster for him to use his ice powers and make a sword then draw his sword out and block the attack.

Yea that wasn't the impression it gave off, at least to me. I think a very quick line like a word or two would work, but a full train of thought is to much. Like if Strider blocked first then said something along the lines of "I barely blocked that. Good thing I can create a weapon from ice faster then I can retrieve my sword." Something like that would of got across the same point, that Strider thinks quick on his feet, but would of also made more sense.

See what I'm saying.

I can see what your saying but it was really a split second decision. He was already moving towards him it was more of I have to think of something or it's over. That's why stated he was charging at him. I was hoping you would get the impression of him thinking fast instead of him not having enough time.

It's kind of like in basketball with the last 5 seconds to shoot. (Might be a bad example since your not big on sports, but its like that.)

Only thing is, "charging at him" doesn't equal last second. There could of been a little distance between Strider and Ryo which gave Strider time to think. When you do it the other way around by doing the motions before the thoughts, you eliminate any possibility of confusion as it would be shown that Strider barely blocked at the last second. And as I said above, you still put across the same point that Strider thinks fast on his feet.

It's just generally a better way at getting the message across.

Fyi I'm not trying to call you out on doing something wrong, I'm just trying to give some constructive criticism on how to organize some events better.

I know your not, I'm just trying to explain how it was. I'm fine with the criticism because I rather someone be honest and tell me what they think.

The reason I didn't give the motion first was because I don't like them thinking about a past event in the battle. I rather explain their train of thought before their motion. Hence the charging at him, and I have no time to draw my blade have to think of something.

So I think we probably have 2 different styles when it comes to explaining how something goes.

Yes that could very well be possible. Well if you want to continue that way then at least try to detail a little better. You had the components there to make it work I think, it just never came together how you intended. Probably next time don't use "charging". Charging imply's coming at you. Next time try something more like "Ryo charged toward Strider, lifting his sword he was about to strike"

It's not a perfect example, but just off the top of my head. Just give a feel of immediate danger and show that the person attacked is about to die. Basically, just clear it up more.

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

Technically wouldn't Zero have been able to draw his sword in the time it took to say "Zero: (No time to draw my blade. Have to think of something else.)". I also feel we should of had some kind of back story into either how Ryo family died, or how Ryo found them dead.

I suppose it is just a preview chapter, but these was a few points I felt should of been touched on. Otherwise seems like nice work.

Ryo background is yet to be completed. It goes into detail further on in the series. All will be explained, as for Zero he really didn't have enough time. Zero thinks a lot faster than he acts. It was more of a split decision sort of thing.

I see. Then it's better if Zero (or Strider as it was meant to be) would of reacted first, then thought a quick line

afterward. When you does the line first you give the impression there is time that could of been taken advantage of.

Oh really I thought if I have him think first it gives off the impression that he thinks faster than he reacts. Since Ryo was coming at him and he wasn't prepared because Zero doesn't want to fight him. He had a split second to think of something and it's faster for him to use his ice powers and make a sword then draw his sword out and block the attack.

Yea that wasn't the impression it gave off, at least to me. I think a very quick line like a word or two would work, but a full train of thought is to much. Like if Strider blocked first then said something along the lines of "I barely blocked that. Good thing I can create a weapon from ice faster then I can retrieve my sword." Something like that would of got across the same point, that Strider thinks quick on his feet, but would of also made more sense.

See what I'm saying.

I can see what your saying but it was really a split second decision. He was already moving towards him it was more of I have to think of something or it's over. That's why stated he was charging at him. I was hoping you would get the impression of him thinking fast instead of him not having enough time.

It's kind of like in basketball with the last 5 seconds to shoot. (Might be a bad example since your not big on sports, but its like that.)

Only thing is, "charging at him" doesn't equal last second. There could of been a little distance between Strider and Ryo which gave Strider time to think. When you do it the other way around by doing the motions before the thoughts, you eliminate any possibility of confusion as it would be shown that Strider barely blocked at the last second. And as I said above, you still put across the same point that Strider thinks fast on his feet.

It's just generally a better way at getting the message across.

Fyi I'm not trying to call you out on doing something wrong, I'm just trying to give some constructive criticism on how to organize some events better.

I know your not, I'm just trying to explain how it was. I'm fine with the criticism because I rather someone be honest and tell me what they think.

The reason I didn't give the motion first was because I don't like them thinking about a past event in the battle. I rather explain their train of thought before their motion. Hence the charging at him, and I have no time to draw my blade have to think of something.

So I think we probably have 2 different styles when it comes to explaining how something goes.

Yes that could very well be possible. Well if you want to continue that way then at least try to detail a little better. You had the components there to make it work I think, it just never came together how you intended. Probably next time don't use "charging". Charging imply's coming at you. Next time try something more like "Ryo charged toward Strider, lifting his sword he was about to strike"

It's not a perfect example, but just off the top of my head. Just give a feel of immediate danger and show that the person attacked is about to die. Basically, just clear it up more.

I wanted it to imply he was coming at him. I wanted it to also to imply that he was thinking when he was coming at him. Something like this





Now you can still make your case when it comes to this. You can say how does he have time to think while he is falling through the sky and how far is he to from the roof. My point is you can always describe something more but I don't think you need to overdue it. I'm sure there is a piece of material we can always describe more but I think it was ok in this case. At least imo,

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

Technically wouldn't Zero have been able to draw his sword in the time it took to say "Zero: (No time to draw my blade. Have to think of something else.)". I also feel we should of had some kind of back story into either how Ryo family died, or how Ryo found them dead.

I suppose it is just a preview chapter, but these was a few points I felt should of been touched on. Otherwise seems like nice work.

Ryo background is yet to be completed. It goes into detail further on in the series. All will be explained, as for Zero he really didn't have enough time. Zero thinks a lot faster than he acts. It was more of a split decision sort of thing.

I see. Then it's better if Zero (or Strider as it was meant to be) would of reacted first, then thought a quick line

afterward. When you does the line first you give the impression there is time that could of been taken advantage of.

Oh really I thought if I have him think first it gives off the impression that he thinks faster than he reacts. Since Ryo was coming at him and he wasn't prepared because Zero doesn't want to fight him. He had a split second to think of something and it's faster for him to use his ice powers and make a sword then draw his sword out and block the attack.

Yea that wasn't the impression it gave off, at least to me. I think a very quick line like a word or two would work, but a full train of thought is to much. Like if Strider blocked first then said something along the lines of "I barely blocked that. Good thing I can create a weapon from ice faster then I can retrieve my sword." Something like that would of got across the same point, that Strider thinks quick on his feet, but would of also made more sense.

See what I'm saying.

I can see what your saying but it was really a split second decision. He was already moving towards him it was more of I have to think of something or it's over. That's why stated he was charging at him. I was hoping you would get the impression of him thinking fast instead of him not having enough time.

It's kind of like in basketball with the last 5 seconds to shoot. (Might be a bad example since your not big on sports, but its like that.)

Only thing is, "charging at him" doesn't equal last second. There could of been a little distance between Strider and Ryo which gave Strider time to think. When you do it the other way around by doing the motions before the thoughts, you eliminate any possibility of confusion as it would be shown that Strider barely blocked at the last second. And as I said above, you still put across the same point that Strider thinks fast on his feet.

It's just generally a better way at getting the message across.

Fyi I'm not trying to call you out on doing something wrong, I'm just trying to give some constructive criticism on how to organize some events better.

I know your not, I'm just trying to explain how it was. I'm fine with the criticism because I rather someone be honest and tell me what they think.

The reason I didn't give the motion first was because I don't like them thinking about a past event in the battle. I rather explain their train of thought before their motion. Hence the charging at him, and I have no time to draw my blade have to think of something.

So I think we probably have 2 different styles when it comes to explaining how something goes.

Yes that could very well be possible. Well if you want to continue that way then at least try to detail a little better. You had the components there to make it work I think, it just never came together how you intended. Probably next time don't use "charging". Charging imply's coming at you. Next time try something more like "Ryo charged toward Strider, lifting his sword he was about to strike"

It's not a perfect example, but just off the top of my head. Just give a feel of immediate danger and show that the person attacked is about to die. Basically, just clear it up more.

I wanted it to imply he was coming at him. I wanted it to also to imply that he was thinking when he was coming at him. Something like this





Now you can still make your case when it comes to this. You can say how does he have time to think while he is falling through the sky and how far is he to from the roof. My point is you can always describe something more but I don't think you need to overdue it. I'm sure there is a piece of material we can always describe more but I think it was ok in this case. At least imo,

Ok yea, I see what you was going for.

I agree we don't need to detail it to much. We could probably turn this one scene into a entire paragraph if we was to detail every second. lol. I just felt the scene could of come together just a little bit clearer.

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

Technically wouldn't Zero have been able to draw his sword in the time it took to say "Zero: (No time to draw my blade. Have to think of something else.)". I also feel we should of had some kind of back story into either how Ryo family died, or how Ryo found them dead.

I suppose it is just a preview chapter, but these was a few points I felt should of been touched on. Otherwise seems like nice work.

Ryo background is yet to be completed. It goes into detail further on in the series. All will be explained, as for Zero he really didn't have enough time. Zero thinks a lot faster than he acts. It was more of a split decision sort of thing.

I see. Then it's better if Zero (or Strider as it was meant to be) would of reacted first, then thought a quick line

afterward. When you does the line first you give the impression there is time that could of been taken advantage of.

Oh really I thought if I have him think first it gives off the impression that he thinks faster than he reacts. Since Ryo was coming at him and he wasn't prepared because Zero doesn't want to fight him. He had a split second to think of something and it's faster for him to use his ice powers and make a sword then draw his sword out and block the attack.

Yea that wasn't the impression it gave off, at least to me. I think a very quick line like a word or two would work, but a full train of thought is to much. Like if Strider blocked first then said something along the lines of "I barely blocked that. Good thing I can create a weapon from ice faster then I can retrieve my sword." Something like that would of got across the same point, that Strider thinks quick on his feet, but would of also made more sense.

See what I'm saying.

I can see what your saying but it was really a split second decision. He was already moving towards him it was more of I have to think of something or it's over. That's why stated he was charging at him. I was hoping you would get the impression of him thinking fast instead of him not having enough time.

It's kind of like in basketball with the last 5 seconds to shoot. (Might be a bad example since your not big on sports, but its like that.)

Only thing is, "charging at him" doesn't equal last second. There could of been a little distance between Strider and Ryo which gave Strider time to think. When you do it the other way around by doing the motions before the thoughts, you eliminate any possibility of confusion as it would be shown that Strider barely blocked at the last second. And as I said above, you still put across the same point that Strider thinks fast on his feet.

It's just generally a better way at getting the message across.

Fyi I'm not trying to call you out on doing something wrong, I'm just trying to give some constructive criticism on how to organize some events better.

I know your not, I'm just trying to explain how it was. I'm fine with the criticism because I rather someone be honest and tell me what they think.

The reason I didn't give the motion first was because I don't like them thinking about a past event in the battle. I rather explain their train of thought before their motion. Hence the charging at him, and I have no time to draw my blade have to think of something.

So I think we probably have 2 different styles when it comes to explaining how something goes.

Yes that could very well be possible. Well if you want to continue that way then at least try to detail a little better. You had the components there to make it work I think, it just never came together how you intended. Probably next time don't use "charging". Charging imply's coming at you. Next time try something more like "Ryo charged toward Strider, lifting his sword he was about to strike"

It's not a perfect example, but just off the top of my head. Just give a feel of immediate danger and show that the person attacked is about to die. Basically, just clear it up more.

I wanted it to imply he was coming at him. I wanted it to also to imply that he was thinking when he was coming at him. Something like this





Now you can still make your case when it comes to this. You can say how does he have time to think while he is falling through the sky and how far is he to from the roof. My point is you can always describe something more but I don't think you need to overdue it. I'm sure there is a piece of material we can always describe more but I think it was ok in this case. At least imo,

Ok yea, I see what you was going for.

I agree we don't need to detail it to much. We could probably turn this one scene into a entire paragraph if we was to detail every second. lol. I just felt the scene could of come together just a little bit clearer.

Yeah I probably could of done a little bit more better. I see what your saying to maybe it wasn't as clear to you as well as others as it would be to me and others. Thanks for the input though at least your commenting lol. I'm looking for others opinions as well . Where is everybody on this.

By the way strider I did change the thing you wanted me to as well. It was meant as a surprise to get the name Zero in there to see if you liked it.

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

carnagevegeta wrote:

justinlynch3 wrote:

Technically wouldn't Zero have been able to draw his sword in the time it took to say "Zero: (No time to draw my blade. Have to think of something else.)". I also feel we should of had some kind of back story into either how Ryo family died, or how Ryo found them dead.

I suppose it is just a preview chapter, but these was a few points I felt should of been touched on. Otherwise seems like nice work.

Ryo background is yet to be completed. It goes into detail further on in the series. All will be explained, as for Zero he really didn't have enough time. Zero thinks a lot faster than he acts. It was more of a split decision sort of thing.

I see. Then it's better if Zero (or Strider as it was meant to be) would of reacted first, then thought a quick line

afterward. When you does the line first you give the impression there is time that could of been taken advantage of.

Oh really I thought if I have him think first it gives off the impression that he thinks faster than he reacts. Since Ryo was coming at him and he wasn't prepared because Zero doesn't want to fight him. He had a split second to think of something and it's faster for him to use his ice powers and make a sword then draw his sword out and block the attack.

Yea that wasn't the impression it gave off, at least to me. I think a very quick line like a word or two would work, but a full train of thought is to much. Like if Strider blocked first then said something along the lines of "I barely blocked that. Good thing I can create a weapon from ice faster then I can retrieve my sword." Something like that would of got across the same point, that Strider thinks quick on his feet, but would of also made more sense.

See what I'm saying.

I can see what your saying but it was really a split second decision. He was already moving towards him it was more of I have to think of something or it's over. That's why stated he was charging at him. I was hoping you would get the impression of him thinking fast instead of him not having enough time.

It's kind of like in basketball with the last 5 seconds to shoot. (Might be a bad example since your not big on sports, but its like that.)

Only thing is, "charging at him" doesn't equal last second. There could of been a little distance between Strider and Ryo which gave Strider time to think. When you do it the other way around by doing the motions before the thoughts, you eliminate any possibility of confusion as it would be shown that Strider barely blocked at the last second. And as I said above, you still put across the same point that Strider thinks fast on his feet.

It's just generally a better way at getting the message across.

Fyi I'm not trying to call you out on doing something wrong, I'm just trying to give some constructive criticism on how to organize some events better.

I know your not, I'm just trying to explain how it was. I'm fine with the criticism because I rather someone be honest and tell me what they think.

The reason I didn't give the motion first was because I don't like them thinking about a past event in the battle. I rather explain their train of thought before their motion. Hence the charging at him, and I have no time to draw my blade have to think of something.

So I think we probably have 2 different styles when it comes to explaining how something goes.

Yes that could very well be possible. Well if you want to continue that way then at least try to detail a little better. You had the components there to make it work I think, it just never came together how you intended. Probably next time don't use "charging". Charging imply's coming at you. Next time try something more like "Ryo charged toward Strider, lifting his sword he was about to strike"

It's not a perfect example, but just off the top of my head. Just give a feel of immediate danger and show that the person attacked is about to die. Basically, just clear it up more.

I wanted it to imply he was coming at him. I wanted it to also to imply that he was thinking when he was coming at him. Something like this





Now you can still make your case when it comes to this. You can say how does he have time to think while he is falling through the sky and how far is he to from the roof. My point is you can always describe something more but I don't think you need to overdue it. I'm sure there is a piece of material we can always describe more but I think it was ok in this case. At least imo,

Ok yea, I see what you was going for.

I agree we don't need to detail it to much. We could probably turn this one scene into a entire paragraph if we was to detail every second. lol. I just felt the scene could of come together just a little bit clearer.

Yeah I probably could of done a little bit more better. I see what your saying to maybe it wasn't as clear to you as well as others as it would be to me and others. Thanks for the input though at least your commenting lol. I'm looking for others opinions as well . Where is everybody on this.

By the way strider I did change the thing you wanted me to as well. It was meant as a surprise to get the name Zero in there to see if you liked it.

Yea what you imagine in your mind some can read differently.

Anyway I'm sure the others are around here somewhere.

Adelina hasn't thought something true. She says all humans deserve to die, but vampires need them to live. So if the humans go extinct, she do realize vampires will go extinct as well, right.

justinlynch3 wrote:

Adelina hasn't thought something true. She says all humans deserve to die, but vampires need them to live. So if the humans go extinct, she do realize vampires will go extinct as well, right.

The plot thickens a little more later when it comes to that, but she does realize and she still wants them to die.

by the way is anyone else gonna comment on this fic besides Justin. Would appreciate other thoughts will try to get episode 1 of feudal done soon

Well if nothing else, you've got a loyal fan. XD

justinlynch3 wrote:

Well if nothing else, you've got a loyal fan. XD

that's cause were bros lol

So that's the first full chapter of Feudal hey. Wonder what kind of trouble Strider will get himself into.